Proper Condom Use - Plot

Plot

Cartman excitedly tells Stan and Kyle to come with him to Kenny's house. Repeating the phrase "red rocket", he masturbates Kenny's dog to the point of ejaculation, or, as he says, "milks the dog."

Stan, thinking that what Cartman did was cool, demonstrates the technique on his own dog Sparky (who has not been seen since season one's "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride") in front of his parents and their friends during a book club meeting, for which he is grounded for ten months. Stan cannot understand why he is being punished, as his parents are too embarrassed to explain to him about sexual stimulation and decide that the school should be responsible for teaching sex ed.

Mr. Mackey tries to teach the fourth grade boys about male anatomy and the mechanics of sexual intercourse. Not having had sex since he was 19, 21 years earlier, Mr. Mackey cannot teach the boys anything of use. Ms. Choksondik tells the girls that they will catch an STD and die if the boys are not wearing condoms, but forgets to explain to them that they would need to have sex (presumably because she feels it seems so obvious). The girls, who were just curious at first, are now terrified of the boys.

The boys, having learned nothing, ask the girls what they had learned. The girls back away screaming since the boys are not wearing condoms. Scared they will catch a disease, the boys then go to the pharmacy where the male pharmacist at first refuses to sell them condoms, stating that they are too young and that teaching sex education in elementary schools is wrong. The female pharmacist sells them the condoms because she wants them to be safe if they are having sex.

Hearing from the pharmacist that condoms were purchased, the school believes this is due to the students being sexually active. As a result Ms. Choksondik says they should start teaching kindergarten students about sex education, although Chef is appalled at this decision and objects. Therefore, Mr. Garrison is tasked with teaching proper condom use to the kindergarten children, and his preferred method of applying a condom using only his mouth shocks his students.

Now more motivated than ever to scare the girls into getting boys to wear condoms, Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls about pregnancy, which scares them even more than before when she shows them a detailed video of a woman giving birth. The boys then buy the condoms and wear them at all times. Not understanding how they work, they even urinate in them, but after Cartman tries to put a fresh one on during class, Mr. Mackey tells them they only have to wear them when they are having sex. Angry that the girls misled them, and thinking that the girls are the ones carrying diseases, they come to believe that they must get rid of the girls. The girls, terrified by Ms. Choksondik's traumatizing lessons, build a massive fort to keep the boys out. The boys find where the girls are hiding and tell them to leave town in a siege reminiscent of Mad Max 2. The girls refuse and open fire (killing Kenny in the fusillade) and the boys attack.

While preparing the lesson plan, Miss Choksondik and Mr. Mackey become aroused by the sexual nature of their conversation, and admit to having sexual fantasies about each other. The two undress, and engage in unprotected sexual intercourse.

Meanwhile the battle between the girls and boys leads to several casualties with Molotov Cocktails and rapid-fire nail-guns, and the parents get angry at the children for the conflict. Ms. Choksondik takes full responsibility for the conflict and apologizes to the girls, for not telling them you must have intercourse in order to catch an STD.

Chef, however, states that the parents are to blame since they were so quick to let the schools handle sex education rather than have the parents teach it to their kids themselves, as sex itself is considered emotional. He admits that he understands how difficult it can be for the parents to teach their kids about sex, but tells them that it is worth it rather than letting the children being taught by people with no experience of sex (Mr Mackey), a bad view of it (Miss Choksondik) or even a complete pervert (Garrison, who takes offense for being described this way). When asked when children are ready to have sex, he responds with an unconditional, "17 — you're ready" (which happens to be the age of consent in the state of Colorado). The children are relieved they do not have to worry about disease for at least eight years, especially Stan and Wendy, and the episode ends with Cartman playing "red rocket" with another dog.

Over the closing credits, we hear Garrison still teaching kinder-gardeners different sexual techniques.