Open Marriage Relationship - Maintenance Behaviors

Maintenance Behaviors

Scientists cannot yet explain why some couples respond positively to open marriage while other couples respond negatively. Nor can they predict which couples will respond positively or negatively. Consequently, all couples involved in open marriages may want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

The topic of relationship maintenance behaviors is far too broad to cover in a single article. The strategies for maintaining relationships described below are simply a few examples. There are many strategies for maintaining healthy and happy relationships other than the ones mentioned here.

Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg list six ground rules for managing conflict and maintaining good marital relationships:

• When conflict is escalating, we will call a Time Out or Stop Action and either (a) try it again, using the Speaker-Listener technique or (b) agree to talk about the issue later, at a specified time, using the Speaker-Listener technique.
• When we're having trouble communicating, we will use the Speaker-Listener technique.
• When we're using the Speaker-Listener technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution (i.e., we will discuss the nature of the problem before jumping too quickly to finding solutions).
• We can bring up issues at any time, but a partner can say: "This is not a good time." If a partner doesn't want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.
• We will have weekly "couple's meetings."
• We will make time for the great things: fun, friendship, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

The Speaker-Listener technique is a strategy for making communication more emotionally safe. It consists of three sets of rules. Rules that apply to both the Speaker and the Listener are:

• The speaker has the floor.
• Share the floor (i.e., take turns being Speaker).
• No problem solving.

The next set of rules apply to the Speaker:

• Speak for yourself.
• Don't go on and on.
• Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

The final set of rules apply to the Listener:

• Paraphrase what you hear.
• Focus on the speaker's message.
• Don't rebut the speaker.

Using the Speaker-Listener technique in the context of the six ground rules can help couples maintain happier and longer-lasting relationships.

Gottman and colleagues have discovered the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions strongly predicts divorce. Couples who maintain a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction are likely to remain together. Couples who do not maintain this 5:1 ratio are likely to get divorced. Moreover, couples are more likely to stay together if they follow certain patterns of communication during conflict:

"We conclude that the marriages that wound up happy and stable had a softened start-up by the wife, that the husband accepted influence from her, that he de-escalated low-intensity negative affect, that she was likely to use humor to effectively soothe him, and that he was likely to use positive affect and de-escalation to effectively soothe himself. The alternative to the active listening model suggested by these analyses is a model of gentleness, soothing, and de-escalation of negativity (negativity by one spouse is followed by the partner's neutral affect)." (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1988, page 00)

These patterns of communication differ from the Speaker-Listener technique, but the goals are the same: stop the escalation of negativity during conflict and take steps to make a safe space for open and honest discussion.

Gottman has also identified a particularly harmful pattern of communication that begins with criticism and ends with stonewalling. The steps of the pattern include:

• Criticism - Criticism is attacking a partner's personality or character, usually attributing fault or blame, rather than complaining about a behavior. One can imply character faults in a partner by listing complaints about the partner's past behaviors.
• Contempt - Contempt is criticism intended to insult and psychologically abuse a partner. Contempt reflects very negative views about one's partner.
• Defensiveness - Defensiveness is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for setting things right by denying responsibility, making excuses, attributing negative thoughts to a partner, countering a partner's complaints with one's own complaints, and repeating oneself.
• Stonewalling - Stonewalling is a break down of communication. The partners turn into "stone walls" and stop responding to each other.

These steps occur in a cascade. Criticism leads to contempt; contempt leads to defensiveness; and defensiveness leads to stonewalling. Couples who go through this cascade of destructive communication usually get divorced.

The main message of these strategies for maintaining relationships is to take time to enjoy positive interactions and fun activities with each other and, when conflicts or issues do arise, take steps to prevent negative interactions from spiralling out of control. Couples in open marriages may want to use these and various other strategies for maintaining satisfying relationships with one another.