Coach Hines
Coach Sandoval "Sandy" Hines (Keegan-Michael Key) is a short-tempered, energetic high school gym teacher, who works at a Catholic school called St. Francis High. Hines easily becomes upset by inappropriate behavior from mostly-unseen students during school assemblies, threatening them with death or severe bodily harm in response. Many of his threats involve infrequently-named bodily organs, such as the sigmoid colon and the duodenum. Principal Lankenstein (Ike Barinholtz), who is the principal of St. Francis High, appears to dislike Hines because he always interrupts Lankenstein's speeches during school events for the purpose of correcting disruptive students, though Hines's corrections are frequently more disruptive than the students themselves. Despite acting mean and tough, Hines is revealed to be a sensitive, caring man in some sketches. Two of Hines' foils are Yamanashi (Bobby Lee) and Jeff Deshazer (Ike Barinholtz), both of whom are students at St. Francis. It is revealed in his final appearance that his last name is really Heinz, and he is the heir to the Heinz ketchup fortune.
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“There is no country in which so absolute a homage is paid to wealth. In America there is a touch of shame when a man exhibits the evidences of large property, as if after all it needed apology. But the Englishman has pure pride in his wealth, and esteems it a final certificate. A coarse logic rules throughout all English souls: if you have merit, can you not show it by your good clothes and coach and horses?”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–1882)