Knapp's Relational Development Model - Stages of Coming Apart

Stages of Coming Apart

More often than not, relationships move from the coming together stages of the RDM to the coming apart stages. Just as with the "coming together" stages, there are five stages of the coming apart. The first stage of dissolving the relationship is the differentiating stage. During this stage of the Relationship Development Model, differences are exploited instead of the commonalities of the experimenting and intensifying stage. The momentum of the “work together” attitude quickly shifts directions and becomes more individualistic. Some may describe feelings of being held down and resentful of their commitment to their partner. Temporary separation is a common solution to this stage of the relationship.

Following the differentiating stage is the circumscribing stage. In the circumscribing stage, the primary focus of the relationship shifts from differences to setting limits and boundaries on communication between the two people. The communication becomes much shallower and the range of topics significantly decline. Partners may fear discussing deep topics because of the threat of a conflict, leading to less communication altogether.

If the decline of the relationship continues, it is likely to enter the third stage, stagnation. This stage builds off many of the problems of the circumscribing stage; communication becomes more limited and less frequent. Stagnating relationships do not grow or progress but rather invoke a feeling of “nothing changes”.

The second to last stage of the dissolution of the relationship is the avoidance stage. This stage takes the limited communication to a physical level. Partners may avoid each other altogether, desiring separation from one another.

The final stage of the RDM is the termination stage. The relationship stops completely. Although it is possible to save a relationship from this stage of development, it is very difficult to “relight the fire” that once held the relationship together. However, the coming apart stages of the Relationship Development Model are not necessarily negative. Sometimes, it is healthy for two people to terminate their relationship in the interest of personal aspirations and well being. The Model cannot accurately describe all relationships, each relationship moves at different speeds and is affected by the personalities and communication abilities of the people involved.