Plot
Peter is a contestant on Wheel of Fortune and wins. He chooses the prize of one week of free maid service. When his maid Joan arrives, Peter has her pull items out of his belly button, and rides her back to the store. Peter decides to over-work Joan on her last night by giving Meg a watermelon filled with chocolate pudding and firecrackers, which explodes in her face. After being introduced to her by Peter, Quagmire falls in love with her. After dating Joan, Quagmire proposes marriage to her, which she accepts and the couple prepares their marriage ceremony. Lois, Peter and their neighbors visit Quagmire's house, finding that he has changed his personality significantly. Peter still believes this to be a prank and shows Quagmire porn magazines in an attempt to change him back to his former ways. Lois begins to question whether she should breastfeed Stewie any longer, as he is hurting her when feeding.
By the time of Quagmire's wedding, Lois' breasts have gotten very large after deciding to wean Stewie, on the advice of Brian. While at the reception, the top of her shirt rips open. Peter notices that Quagmire is staring at Lois' huge breasts, and spills champagne on them. Peter then "helps" Lois by shaking her, which makes her large breasts jiggle. This arouses Quagmire, and he realizes that he has made a mistake by marrying Joan. He informs Joan that some of his friends think they should get an annulment after discussing it with Peter, Joe and Cleveland, but she threatens to cut herself and him if he annuls their marriage. As a result, Peter decides to help Quagmire fake his death. He shows Joan a video of Quagmire being attacked by a ninja (Joe), a Nazi (Cleveland), a "pots and pans" robot (Peter), and the body being consumed by a dinosaur held by Peter (to the theme of Jurassic Park). Joan is unconvinced by the video. Peter and his friends then operate plan B, which consists of Quagmire pretending to suffer a heart attack and dying. Quagmire is buried in a coffin with enough oxygen to last him a short period of time so Peter can return after the funeral has finished and dig him up. However, when Mayor West announces that all coffins must be buried in concrete (to guard against zombies), Peter exclaims that Quagmire is not dead, and brings him out of the coffin, alive. Death shows up to retrieve his body. Joan pleads for Quagmire's life, and touches Death's arm, which kills her instantly. Death takes Joan instead, as "she was suicidal and her last name was Quagmire." However, before he leaves, Quagmire asks Death to leave the body for another five minutes, thus turning him back into his old usual self. Lois allows Stewie to be breastfed again, thus delighting him.
Read more about this topic: I Take Thee Quagmire
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