Plot
Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Tweek get angry about Steven Spielberg and George Lucas's habit of altering their films with each "re-re-re-release" to make them more family-friendly or politically correct. They decide to form an organization to protect classic movies from changes. Cartman writes "Free Hat" on the advertising poster in the belief that freebies are necessary to attract people. However, the crowd mistakenly thinks the rally is to free Hat McCullough, a fictional imprisoned baby killer.
The crowd focuses on persuading the governor to free Hat, while the boys appear on Nightline to explain their group's motives. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas appear on the show, and when the boys mention changing Raiders of the Lost Ark, the two directors quickly decide this is a great idea. Determined to stop them, the boys sneak into Lucas' house and steal the master print for the film, but are caught by him. Lucas calls the police, and the boys attempt to convince him to turn away Spielberg. As their attempts begin to sway him, Spielberg arrives flanked by guards and Lucas relents and gives Spielberg the film. The boys are taken prisoner to be guests at the film's premiere, but Tweek escapes. Following is a trailer for a remastered version of South Park's pilot episode.
Back at the club, Tweek alerts everybody else to the situation at hand, but the crowd remains obsessed with Hat McCulloughy. Meanwhile, Spielberg and Lucas, now joined by Francis Ford Coppola, start making their way to the premiere in a convoy with the film's print enclosed in an ark being carried. Tweek ambushes the convoy wielding a bazooka and threatens to blow it up unless the boys are released. The negotiation ends when Spielberg invites Tweek to "blow it back to God", but reminds him all his life has been in pursuit of seeing a great film, and thanks to the new "effects beyond your wildest dreams" he wants to see it screened just as much as Spielberg does. Tweek pauses and is captured as he hesitates. At the premiere, Spielberg reveals his plan to destroy the original film afterwards, and the film begins. Knowing it will be horrible the boys look away while the audience watches. Parodying the climax of the actual Raiders of the Lost Ark, the horribly altered version of Raiders comes to life as a deadly supernatural entity and fires lightning bolts at all but the whole group watching, gruesomely killing half of the audience and Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola with it. When there is finally silence, the kids find themselves untied and open their eyes.
Back in South Park, the boys think that they are going to be congratulated for stopping Spielberg and Lucas. However, the boys are congratulated for getting Hat released from prison. Despite the fact that Hat is obviously crazy and asks for a baby, the crowd cheers for him and presents him with one. As the baby tries desperately to escape Hat, Tweek looks at the now offscreen Hat and shouts "oh, god!", implying that Hat killed the baby. the boys say that what they did might not matter now, but will matter later. When Tweek asks what if someone else tries to change the movie, Stan answers that it is "somewhere safe. Somewhere where...nobody will ever find it." The episode ends with a view of an old man placing the original prints inside a box, which he then places inside a warehouse named "Red Cross 9/11 Relief Funds".
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