Beachcomber (pen Name) - Recurrent Characters

Recurrent Characters

• Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot: well-meaning but ineffectual High Court judge, plagued by litigation involving the twelve red-bearded dwarfs. Often appears in Private Eye.
• Mrs. Justice Cocklecarrot: his wife. Very silent, until she observes that "Wivens has fallen down a manhole". An enquiry from the judge as to which Wivens that would be elicits the response "E. D. Wivens". After a worrying interval she reveals that E. D. Wivens is a cat. His Lordship observes that cats do not have initials. "This one does", says she.
• Tinklebury Snapdriver and Honeygander Gooseboote: two counsel. The elbow of one has a mysterious tendency to become jammed in the jaws of the other.
• Twelve red-bearded dwarfs, with a penchant for farcical litigation. Their names "appear to be" Scorpion de Rooftrouser, Cleveland Zackhouse, Frums Gillygottle, Edeledel Edel, Churm Rincewind, Sophus Barkayo-Tong, Amaninter Axling, Guttergorm Guttergormpton, Badly Oronparser, Listenis Youghaupt, Molonay Tubilderborst and Farjole Merrybody. They admit that these are not genuine names. (Further red-bearded dwarfs, to the number of forty-one, appear in other litigation.)
• Captain Foulenough: archetypal cad and gatecrasher who impersonates the upper class in order to wreck their social events. Educated at Narkover, a school specializing in card-playing, horse-racing and bribery.
• Mountfalcon Foulenough: his priggish nephew, who brings havoc to Narkover and "makes virtue seem even more horrifying than usual".
• Vita Brevis: debutante frequently plagued by, but with a certain reluctant admiration for, Captain Foulenough.
• Dr. Smart-Allick: genteel, but ludicrous and criminal, headmaster of Narkover.
• Miss Topsy Turvey: neighbouring headmistress, courted by Smart-Allick.
• Dr. Strabismus (whom God preserve) of Utrecht: eccentric scientist and inventor.
• Lord Shortcake: absent-minded peer obsessed by his enormous collection of goldfish.
• Mrs. McGurgle: seaside landlady. Fearsomely British, until she decides to reinvent her house as "Hôtel McGurgle et de l'Univers" to attract the tourists.
• Ministry of Bubbleblowing: possible ancestor of Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks.
• Charlie Suet: disastrous civil servant.
• Mimsie Slopcorner: his on-off girlfriend, an ill-informed and irritating social activist.
• The Filthistan Trio: Ashura, Kazbulah and Rizamughan, three Persians from "Thurralibad", two of whom play see-saw on a plank laid across the third. They have a series of contretemps with British bureaucracy and the artistic establishment, in which the trio generally represents the voice of reason.
• Dingi-Poos: the Tibetan Venus. She obtains desirable commercial contracts by using her charms to hoodwink visiting British envoys, principally Colonel Egham and Duncan Mince.
• Big White Carstairs: Buchanesque Empire builder, with a tendency to mislay his dress trousers.
• O. Thake: naive, accident-prone Old Etonian and man-about-town.
• Lady Cabstanleigh: Society hostess.
• Stultitia: her niece, a playwright.
• Boubou Flaring: glamorous but vacuous actress.
• Emilia Rustiguzzi: voluminous (both in bulk and in decibels) opera singer.
• Tumbelova, Serge Trouserin, Chuckusafiva: ballet dancers.
• Colin Velvette: ballet impresario.
• "Thunderbolt" Footle: handsome, socially celebrated boxer (who can do everything except actually fight)
• The M'Babwa of M'Gonkawiwi: African chief, who occasions great administrative problems in connection with his invitation to the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II.
• The Clam of Chowdah: oriental potentate
• Mrs. Wretch: formerly the glamorous circus performer Miss Whackaway, now wife to Colonel Wretch and "horrible welfare worker".
• Roland Milk: insipid poet (possible ancestor of Private Eye's "E. J. Thribb").
• Prodnose: humourless, reasonable oaf who interrupts Beachcomber's flights of fancy. (The name is journalistic slang for a sub-editor; the broadcaster Danny Baker has appropriated it as his Twitter name.)