Archer & Armstrong - Fictional Character Biographies

Fictional Character Biographies

Archer is the world’s greatest hand-to-hand fighter, an expert marksman and a seeker of righteousness. At age eleven, his corrupt parents attempted to murder him, and succeeded momentarily. But somehow, Archer came back to life, filled with a burning purpose—to bring his parents to justice and fight evil such as theirs wherever it flourished. Though he later learns that his parents were finally brought to justice while he was preparing himself by learning the martial arts in a Himalayan monastery, Archer decides to continue with his vow. Armstrong is a ten-thousand-year old libertine, as strong as a battalion, who abandoned naïveté and idealism millennia ago. Now, he spends his days drinking, carousing, and telling tales of his unbelievable adventures throughout history to anyone who will listen—that is, when he’s not on the run from an ancient cult whose bumbling agents have been hunting him for two thousand years. Armstrong escapes when he can and fights when he has to. The two men eventually meet and become partners—a team chosen by fate to face a truly terrible evil that threatens to destroy the world!

Archer Origins: The neglected son of Kansan evangelist preachers, young Obadiah Archer believes that when he truly focuses his faith in God he can channel the “power of the Lord” and become endowed with incredible physical gifts. Especially when playing “h-o-r-s-e” on the playground basketball court.

Late one night, Obadiah inadvertently stumbles upon his parents, Joe Earl and Thelma, sadistically molesting a child from their congregation. Wanting desperately to flee, but frozen with horror, Obadiah cannot evade his father’s heavy fist. Obadiah awakens to find himself tied up on the kitchen floor. The house is ablaze. The fire is Joe Earl and Thelma’s attempt to dispose of their son, and destroy evidence of their heinous crimes.

Obadiah does his best to call upon his faith to give him the power to save himself. With hands that are tied behind his back, he flips the dog’s dish at a rack of knives that’s out of reach and—rather miraculously—knocks a knife to the floor. He frees himself from the ropes and crawls toward the door…too late? The smoke is overwhelming. He blacks out.

Obadiah finds himself floating in a blue tunnel, being drawn toward a brilliant, beautiful, comforting light. He feels growing joy, serenity and peace. But…no! He needs to go back. Back there in the kitchen where he made a promise to himself and to God to see to it that his evil parents get what’s coming to them. He means to keep his promise. He turns his back on the Light…and wakes up in a hospital bed. "We almost lost him," says the doctor operating on Archer to Joe Earl and Thelma, who are worried for their own sinister reasons. Turns out a heroic fireman found Obadiah near the door just in time. It looks like he’ll recover nicely.

Knowing that his parents will kill him at first opportunity, and fearing that no one will believe him, Obadiah sneaks out of the hospital and eventually stows away on a freighter bound for Hong Kong.

After several months and many hardships, Obadiah makes his way to a Buddhist monastery in Ladakh, high in the Himalayas. He has been to many other such monasteries, hoping to find warrior monks willing to train him as a martial artist—just like those Shaolin guys in the Kung Fu teevee show—but no dice so far. Reluctantly, the Venerable Master agrees to take Obadiah in, seeing how young, troubled and, frankly, exhausted he is.

Obadiah’s near-death experience apparently opened up some latent talents and connected his mind and body in a new and wonderful way. He finds that he now has amazing muscular control and body awareness—and not just in rare moments. Everybody gets those moments, occasionally, when, whatever you’re doing, suddenly everything just clicks, but Obadiah is feelin’ it full time, now. He needs to see something done but once, and then he can copy it perfectly.

The monks are impressed. Obadiah excels in martial arts training, immediately executing the most complex techniques like a seasoned master. He comes to realize that it isn’t “the power of the Lord.” The Deity, if any, doesn’t work that way. The power comes from within.

Because of his uncanny skill with a mini-crossbow, the monks take to calling him “Archer,” which, conveniently, is his surname. He goes with it.

Rage over his parents’ evildoings fuels Archer in training and in combat. Unable to abandon his anger, he gets himself tossed out of the monastery—monks don’t cotton to vengeful fury.

It’s okay. There was nothing left for them to teach him anyway. Now 21, he heads back to the States. The time for Poppa and Momma to reap what they sow is nigh. Same for any other evildoers he comes across.

Shortly after arriving in California, Archer learns that his parents were arrested and imprisoned only a few weeks after he left. His purpose lost, he wanders the streets, uncertain of what to do. Eventually, he encounters a particularly scruffy looking vagrant sitting on the sidewalk who calls him “Gandhi” and asks for change. No one raised in a Buddhist monastery can refuse to give alms. Archer hands over his last five bucks.

Archer’s generosity intrigues the vagrant, who introduces himself as Armstrong. No second name, no mister, just Armstrong.

The kid seems depressed. Armstrong suggests they go buy some beer and talk. He’s very pleased to learn that Archer never drinks. Perfect. More for him.

Sitting under a bridge over one of L.A.’s many concrete channels, they talk. Actually, mostly Armstrong talks, telling fantastic tales of his adventures throughout history, including many bawdy misadventures that make Archer squirm and blush. Archer cuts him off before he can tell about the weekend he spent with Mae West and the three contortionist milkmaids.

Archer is skeptical and largely dismissive of Armstrong’s wild tales and claims. Eventually, he manages to squeeze in his own story. He still wants to fight injustice and evil but doesn’t know where to start now that his parents have already been punished.

Armstrong advises him to first find a means to support himself. Fighting injustice on your own usually doesn’t pay well. He suggests that if Archer can really fight, he knows a bar called the End of the World that needs a bouncer. It keeps getting busted up… mostly, Armstrong says, by him. Hey, a lot of brawls break out there. If you’re drunk and in the middle when a brawl breaks out, what can you do except join in?

Soon, at the End of the World, Archer applies for the bouncer job. The bartender/owner is unimpressed by Archer’s claims of fighting prowess. He’s looking for a big guy, not a scrawny Hare Krishna. He pulls the old “hey, look over there!” trick to get Archer to turn his head, then clocks him with a bottle, proving that the runt is a sucker, too. Then, he throws Archer un-gently out onto the sidewalk.

So much for that idea. Back to wandering the city without much of a plan, Archer is approached outside the bar by Mahmud, a stranger who claims to be a friend of the Venerable Master of the monastery where Archer was trained. The Venerable Master has often spoken of Archer, and he, Mahmud, recognized Archer immediately. Mahmud wants to hire Archer.

Mahmud explains that his Sect has been hunting a demon for thousands of years. This great satan is immortal, corrupt, vile, and really disgusting; perversion incarnate—the One Whose Name Is Never Spoken—who, by merely being so unbalances the Wheel of Karma that all existence will topple. Soon, he thinks. Maybe today. He wants Archer to help him and his Assassins put an end to the demon forever.

Recently, Mahmud says, they trailed the demon to this city…and learned that the End of the World bar is one of his haunts. They have the place staked out, hoping to trap him there. Mahmud was there, in fact, when Archer came in, seeking employment, and followed him when he left.

It seems like a good opportunity to Archer, a job that also begins his quest to fight against evil. As Mahmud and Archer arrive at the End of the World, a big fight is already raging. The “demon” is holding his own against a platoon of Sect Assassins. Mahmud says, “Behold the One Whose Name Is Never Spoken.”

“We’ve met,” says Archer. “Hello, Armstrong.”

Archer is confused. Armstrong, a demon? Doesn’t seem likely, but….

Armstrong manages to make a break for it.

Mahmud’s exhortations spur Archer to pursue: “Are you going to stand there and let destiny slip through your grasp? Fate has brought you to this moment! The world is yours to save! I’ll pay you!”

Archer easily catches up with the lumbering Armstrong and argues that if Mahmud is friends with the Venerable Master, he must be a good guy. Surely whatever the misunderstanding about Armstrong is, it can be worked out. Armstrong just wants out of there before the Sect guys can cut off his head and burn his body with the flame thrower they’re packing, which would hurt a lot and bring a messy end to his long, lovely exploration of depravity—guaranteed. Nobody survives that.

Archer tries to stop Armstrong, but Kung Fu, Kung Schmu, he can’t hurt him. Armstrong tries to fight his way past cat-quick Archer, but he can’t lay a hand on him—and the little twerp keeps tripping, flipping and poking him! And those Sect Assassins are no doubt regrouping and on their way!

As a last resort, Armstrong tries reasoning with Archer. Mahmud says he’s the devil. He says he’s old and strong. Mahmud and company are trying to kill him. But he doesn’t want to hurt anybody—he’s just trying to get away! Does that sound like evil incarnate?

Armstrong’s words and his own instincts convince Archer. As Mahmud and the Sect Assassins round a corner, they find themselves facing off against, in alphabetical order, Archer and Armstrong!

“Pacifying” the Assassins turns out to be more difficult than anticipated, however. Reinforcements have arrived. Assassins from all over, including Muslim Mawlawīyah, Christian deacons, Koori clever men, Hindu yogis, Nigerian ifá Babalawos, Jewish rabbinim, even a samanera from Archer’s old monastery in Ladakh, plus a horde of miscellaneous fanatics, civil servants and other dangerous types, attack them!

That’s just the beginning.

After that, things get worse. Not only is the Sect on their tail, but there’s real trouble brewing! Archer thinks it’s destiny that he and Armstrong were cast together. He decides that they’re “partners.” “What did you call me?” Armstrong roars…but before he can really express his displeasure at that notion, say, by squashing Archer with a Buick, they’re swept away into a life-or-death, no-way out quest to save the world from the ultimate evil! Actually, Archer sort of volunteered them….

Can Archer and Armstrong survive impossible odds and each other? Will Archer fulfill his goal of heroically triumphing over evil? Will Armstrong turn his attention away from boozing and carousing long enough to lend a hand? Well…no to the turning away from boozing and carousing, but, hey, he’d miss his favorite watering holes and dens of iniquity if the world ended. Not to mention the world.