Patrick Cook - Examples of Cook's Humour

Examples of Cook's Humour

The Bulletin (32 January 2008)

• A fictional speech by Bill Clinton:

"To the women of America, well, I know in my heart that you concur with that fine American feminist who wrote: 'I’d give Bill Clinton a blow job, just to thank him for keeping abortion legal.' To these women I can only say: 'Abortion is still legal'." - "Feel the carpet burn,"

The Bulletin (1 September 1998), p 74.

• On Australia's 6 November 1999 Republic referendum:

"IF YOU VOTE YES: 1. You will give enormous satisfaction to a gaggle of bankers, multi-millionaires, Labor snobs who regard you as a rabble of ghastly peasants, especially if you live outside the cities, and who are still in denial over the implosion of the Keating government. Lofty journalists, P&C commissars, lipless earrings and smug beards will similarly rejoice. In short, all the types you thought you were shot of years ago. So far from uniting Australians as a mature and coherent society, you will be creating two nations and one of them will be insufferable for weeks."

"Cavaliers and roundheads," The Bulletin (31 August 1999), p 122.

• On globalisation:

Australia "is the only country in the world to take seriously, For, it’s kind of like the game we played in college, where the lights go out and someone hollers 'Pants down!' and when the lights go on again, only one schmuck is bare-arsed and everyone else hoots at them... The beauty of free trade is that it abolishes national boundaries, along with nations, those nations’ industries and currencies, and where necessary, governments."

"We are the world," The Bulletin (1 May 2001), p 90.