Open Adoption - Which Type of Open Adoption Is Best?

Which Type of Open Adoption Is Best?

Adoption is like marriage. There are countless ways that a marriage can work. What is right for one couple will not work for another. Adoptions are the same. What is important is that the birth mother and adoptive parents are honest with each other regarding the type of adoption each truly hopes for, and one person does not just say what they think the other wants to hear, then face a conflict later. The adoptees, being minor children, have no say in their adoption and their hopes are irrelevant; they must wait until they reach the age of majority before they are given any consideration and in many respects are considered to be children in perpetua.

Adoptive parents will want to talk about adoption to their child from a very early age. (Even if the adoptive parents were so inclined, hiding adoption is really not possible, as everyone the adoptive parents know - neighbors, friends, relatives - all know the child joined their family via adoption, so to hide it from the child is nonsensical, hiding something the child should see as prideful and joyful.) Every adoptive parent wants their child to be proud of their adoption heritage and confident in themselves and their place in a family. With this thought in mind, more and more adoptive parents are opening their minds to a more open adoption than they might initially imagined if desired by the birth mother, thinking that the birth mother's role is somewhat like that of a distant relative. In other words, the birth mother has no legal right to make parenting decisions, nor should she want to, but she still has love to offer. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" comes to mind. And adoptive parents should remember, if their child ever has a medical emergency requiring a birth parent's aid (bone marrow, kidney tissue, et cetera, which often only a direct blood relative can provide), that birth parent will be the first person they search for.

A good analysis for adoptive parents to employ in determining what is the right degree of openness is to put themselves in the place of a birth mother and ask, "If I were pregnant, and giving up my child, what would make me feel confident, and feel good about the placement?" Most birth mothers are loving, caring young women, wanting the best for their baby, but which they can't provide. Many adoptive parents view her as someone they'd enjoy staying a part of their lives, not to mention she was the person who created their family for them. Likewise, birth mothers should be sensitive to the feelings of the adoptive parents, and put themselves in the role of an adoptive parent, asking themselves how they would feel regarding a particular planned role in the new family.

As a practical matter, some states seem to have more open adoptions than others. The more progressive states may have a rough percentage accordingly:

Pre-birth contact, but no post-birth contact: 10% Pre-birth contact, and photos and updates only thereafter: 65% Pre-birth contact, photos and updates, and one or two annual face-to-face get-togethers: 25%

In more conservative states, the percentages may look more like this:

Pre-birth contact, but no post-birth contact: 30% Pre-birth contact, and photos and updates only thereafter: 65% Pre-birth contact, photos and updates, and one or two annual face-to-face get-togethers: 5% It is not unheard of for birth mothers to request an open adoption, then disappear from the child and adoptive family's life.