Miss Adventure - World's Favorite Gay Hero! - Thirty Spanks For Miss Adventure

Thirty Spanks For Miss Adventure

Weekly World News Issue: June 27, 2005

Tagline: "All your wishes can come true - If you put your lips together and blow."

Out of all of his adventures, nothing could prepare him for his most personal challenge - his 30th birthday.

Andrews' friend, mentor, and housemate Danny "Dee Dee" Romano, made all the preparations before Andrews could stop him. Romano issued the invitations, bought festive decorations, arranged the catering, and - because he insisted on lighting every candle on the cake - took out extra fire insurance on the house.

Among the guests invited to the part were several who had shared Miss Adventure's amazing exploits, including NASA's P.T. Donovan, who had accidentally launched Andrews and himself in the Space Shuttle Atlantis; Benny "Big Drag" Rickles, who manages the only drag strip in the United States run exclusively for transvestites; Spin Sperry and Marty McGurk, who run an Arizona dude ranch for gay caballeros; and Han Brinker and Gertrude, his duck, with whom Andrews had a fling at the Earth's core. Secretly gay TV star Tony Gavone was also asked, but declined on the pretext that he had to spend the weekend cleaning out his closet. Dottie, Miss Adventure's mother, was invited as well.

Andrews and Romano also heard from someone who was very much uninvited. They received a poorly scribbled note from the Mashed Marble eventually deciphered reading "No happy returns of the day for you!"

Despite the ominous threat, the party was a success. Andrews received all the presents traditionally bestowed on a man of his age and station - cosmetics, wigs, facials, support hose, gym memberships, complimentary Botox injections, canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. Andrews was undergoing his fifth spanking when Romano and Rickles wheeled in a 6-foot-high birthday cake ablaze with candles.

Suddenly, the sound of classic disco filled the room and the cake began to vibrate. The top burst open and out climbed a young man dressed in nothing but a g-string. He identified himself as Mikhail the Russian Stud and said he was a birthday remembrance from an 'old friend.'

All at once, the front door burst open and FBI Agent Brasco, who had pressured Andrews to inform on the Mob, pushed a little fat man into the room. Brasco explained that the Fiorelloesque gentleman, named Gary the Pig, had been hired by a mysterious underworld figure seeking the death of Miss Adventure. Agent Brasco produced a note that had given Mr. Pig his instructions. After careful analysis, it was determined that the plot involved concealing a Russian-made warhead in Miss Adventure's birthday cake, set to explode when he blew out the candles. Mr. Pig misread the note, however, and, in lieu of a Russian SCUD missile, had hired a Russian stud name Mikhail.

After Brasco, Pig and the guests had departed, Miss Adventure played with his gift - Mikhail. An hour later, the doorbell rang. Kevin went to see who was there. He found three clean-cut young men who introduced themselves as the King brothers from nearby Paramus. They explained that they saw a divine light burning bright in the East, which Miss Adventure silently identified as his birthday cake. The oldest King asked if they were in time to witness the Second Coming - and they were.