Miai - Selection Process

Selection Process

The initiative for the miai introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age (tekireiki), usually in the range of 22 to 30, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way.

Parents will often subtly interject the phrase “onegai shimasu” (“I make the request”) into casual conversation, which implies that both parents have consented for their daughter to meet eligible men. The daughter may be unaware that her parents have suggested her availability though the use of "onegai shimasu." Moreover, some parents will send a candidacy picture to a future husband or go-between without their daughter’s knowledge or consent.

Parents may enlist the aid of a nakōdo or ask a third party with a wide range of social contacts to act as a go-between. The word "miai" describes both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple and the nakōdo. Miai signifies that the parties were brought together expressly for the purpose of marriage on the initiative of the parents, a friend of the family or a go-between. It also means that the initial criteria of selection were objective ones. The potential mate and their family will meet with the nakōdo and examine all eligible persons. The nakōdo will often have photographs of candidates and a “rirekisho”, a small personal history. The rirekisho frequently includes the name, age, health, education, occupation and marital status of all members of the candidate’s family.

The families then sit down with the nakōdo and screen the portfolios to eliminate any obviously inappropriate candidates. The photographs and rirekisho may be brought to the home of the potential mate’s family for the son or daughter to scrutinize. The participant and their family will examine the photos and short personal histories based on an investigation of social consideration. The education level and occupations of the potential candidate’s family are the first aspects taken into consideration at this meeting. The potential mate and their mother will create a list of primary choices and ask the nakōdo to investigate the first choice.

In more selective miai, the candidates and their families are judged on a large set of criteria aimed at determining the suitability and the balance of the marriage. This criteria is formally known in Japan as iegara (家柄?). This includes level of education, income, occupation, physical attractiveness, religion, social standing, and hobbies. Many modern women are stereotyped as looking for three attributes: height, high salary, and high education. This is commonly known as the "Three Hs.” The participant’s bloodline (血統, kettō?) plays a large role. Many fear that a candidate’s blood is contaminated with diseases such as epilepsy, neurosis, or mental illness. The fear is so prevalent that the Eugenic Protection Law of 1948 was passed to legalize sterilization and abortion for people with a history of mental defects and other hereditary diseases. Social status also plays a large role in selecting a candidate. Ideally, paired candidates and their families should be of equal social status. A candidate will have a hard time finding a mate if his family is not of a matching social status as the other family — even if the candidate is of equal social status. Family lineage can also affect the quality of a candidate. For example, a candidate with samurai blood is more likely to be picked than one with ancestry from a different Tokugawa-era class.