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Series Two |
| 2.1 |
- Mr Doovdé asking for the phone number for Buzum.
- Terry Tibbs enquiring about a brass sculpture. The lady he is talking to is not selling the sculpture and only put the advert up, Terry then asks if she's taking 20 percent of the takings from the buyer, only for her to say she isn't then Terry asks if she's taking 10, with her also denying this, in reply Terry says "You're doing this all wrong!". Later on the lady says she'll get back to him after speaking to the artist who is selling the sculpture, but Terry says "You don't get back to Terry Tibbs, Terry Tibbs gets back to you!". At the end of the call Terry says "Love ya!", with the lady replying with "Love you too Terry!".
- Fonejacker calls a mobile phone (supposedly belonging to a waiter) that has been left in a street cleaner's dustcart. Street cleaner picks up and Fonejacker pretends to be restaurant boss and asks why he is late for work.
- Stanley ringing a model shop, enquiring about Hornby figures. Starting off with train drivers, he also asks if they do "the depressed man who steps in front of a twain", "the two homeless men drinking lager in the carriages who you hope get off at the next station but never do", "the gypsies playing the accordion and getting into a fight with the passengers" and "the old man who misses the red light at a level crossing and gets hit by the twain".
- Dufrais Constantinople ringing about having an electric fence installed to "keep out his neighbours".
- George Agdgdgwngo ringing from "ITV 1's Britain Has Got Very Much Talent". He asks a woman for passport & bank statements so that he can verify her identify, in order for her to watch the show live and have a "tea and a hot beverage" with Ant & Dec.
- Fonejacker calls a butcher's shop enquiring about prices of various products, and pretending to be interrupted by another call, makes customer announcements over a megaphone about the lower prices at Morrisons for those products.
- The Chinese DVD gang call an accountant enquiring whether they need to pay tax on their pirate DVDs. It is revealed in this segment that the leader of the gang is called Charlie Wong.
- Barry Childs trying to book a magic act. Initially the act sounds keen and says he is free on the proposed date, until he learns that his close contact magic will be likely to provoke a violent response from the offenders, and that several previous bookings (including clown) were assaulted, after which the act politely declines while Barry says he "has already printed the posters" so he has to come, but still declines.
- Fonejacker TV Phone-in competition. Calls charged at £10.50 per minute. Competition entrants have no chance of winning anything. This is a possible reference to ITV Play late-night call-in shows where very little people actually get through to the show. At peak times callers had a 1 in 8500 chance of getting through to the studio to play but were still charged regardless ("Just dial this number, pay this price and get fuck all! Its called telly. Get used to it!").
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| 2.2 |
- Mr Doovdé calls a travel agents enquiring about flights to the Oosa. He wishes to go to Jufk, Laks and Duhk with Bah.
- Terry Tibbs talking to a young lady enquiring about a paddling pool for sale. This is the first time in Fonejacker history Terry makes a call outside of his used cars office, but is instead on a golf course making the call inside a buggy based on a Rolls Royce. The series 2 tailer shows Terry Tibbs saying "surprise!" during the call, but on the broadcast a picture of a naked statue is shown instead of him. In the call itself Terry asks questions such as if the pool has a motif on it, before suggesting the lady's "Useless husband" is too lazy to install it as the reasons for its sale. He later asks her if she can cook because he can "do with the company", before saying his own wife "Can't cook for fucking shit". He says he's willing to pay £25 or less for it, otherwise he'll go to Argos Express. The lady can't go below 25, so ends the call with his "Goodbye and much love!" farewell before moving off in his buggy.
- Ja Fool calls a restaurant to book a table by rapping.
- Rodriguez the Cuban head louse calls a school to ask if he and his family can visit, as long as there is no school nurse.
- Dufrais Constantinople calls a private investigator to complain he is being investigated. They are on to him and he is on to them (in his mind).
- Mr Broadbandings from "Internet Relationship Providings" calls an elderly man with his special offerings. The man qualifies for an over-80s discount. When the man says he is not interested in the end, Mr Broadbandings goes back to the usual Internet Service Providing script, after saying he likes Angelina Jolie, and that his dream would be to "call her in the middle of the night" and show her his "offerings". In the fantasy, her real-life partner Brad Pitt is seen answering the phone.
- Brian Bedonde calls a theatre box office to buy tickets, only for his unusual speech impediment to make it difficult for the man at the box office to understand his post code.
- Mendoza calls to book a function room to hold an orgy, but finds the evening he wants is double booked with a bingo night.
- A woman calling the automated Ticket Line to buy tickets for an Alanis Morissette concert, but the "computer" thinks she wants tickets for Disney on Ice, then Bon Jovi at Wembley Stadium, then Rick Astley at the Dome. The automated service finally "understands" the correct commands, only for the messages spoken to the caller to change speeds from high-pitched to low-pitch, which leads the caller to ask if its a joke.
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| 2.3 |
- Mr Broadbandings calling from "Internet Relationship Findings", asking a man if he's in a relationship. He says he is, but Mr Broadbandings still urges him to join up, only for the man to threaten to report him to Trading Standards, which influences Mr Broadbandings to offer him a free gift. The man stops his car before the threat, only to be towed away for illegal parking.
- The Chinese DVD gang leader telephones a t-shirt printing company, asking if he can have sweatshirts reading "Tommy Hilfiger", "Poro Sport" and caps reading "Georgio Armani". The man he is talking to informs him they are illegal to sell on the market due to being a registered trademark, and so asks if he can sell them on the Internet.
- The Fonejacker phones a florist, but uses a CD in an electrical shop which plays battleground effects, so it sounds like he's telephoning from the Afghanistan war.
- Jimmy Jon is given a call back from a man he telephoned earlier in the day, only to miss the call. When he gets back to him he tells him he is interested in buying a bed he has for sale, only to make sexual references informing the caller what he wants to do with the bed.
- Terry Tibbs telephones a funeral director, asking for a small coffin for his wife's dog. The lady he is talking to gets stunned, with Terry asking her if its "A monologue or a twosome?, talk to me!", then says that she's in shock. As he talks about having to pay for "another pooch", and how they'll say goodbye, she starts to crack up laughing. With this, Terry tells her to get a grip on herself, otherwise he'll "Bury the bluddy thing" himself.
- Mr Doovdé telephones a hotel, informing the lady on reception that he was in the bar and heard a song. He sings "The Girl from Ipanema" to her using nonsense lyrics. After inviting her workmates to listen to him, she says she cannot recognise the song and puts him through to the bar.
- A young Liverpudlian inmate named Stevie telephones for a job to be an au pair, only for the woman to refuse him due to his "guv" asking if he said to her what he's in jail for. The inmate has a tattoo reading "Acckrington Stanley".
- The Mouse telephoning a locksmith to free him from a cage in London Zoo, which has a digital timer at the top, in which when it reaches zero, a hatch below him opens and then gets fed to the snakes. He informs the locksmith some of his family have died due to the same reason, only to fall into the snake pit himself while still on the phone. The singer Mika is shown as the zoo keeper in charge of the killings, who named the mouse "lunch".
- Janec phones a record shop, applying for the position of keyboard player in a band, only to play sound effects heard on game shows, to indicate a correct and wrong answer due to claiming he "composed" the effects for a fictional show called Kraków 951. He later plays the sound heard on a supermarket tannoy, claiming he composed that also alongside a soundtrack for a murder scene in a Polish film, and the "fasten seatbelt" sound on Polish Airlines.
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| 2.4 |
- The Chinese DVD gang leader phoning an engravers, asking for an Elvis Presley dedication on a Rolex only to attempt to pass it off as genuine at an auction.
- An Iraqi man phoning the British Army in an attempt to join them, but is told Iraq is not a commonwealth country.
- The Fonejacker phoning a mobile phone left in a clothes shop, and claims to the man who finds it, that he is after a girl called Olga, only to start arguing with the man threatening to "put my foot in your arse".
- George Agdgdgwngo phoning a woman, saying he's from ITV and claims that her phone has made many calls totalling 111,103 pounds, to phone vote lines involved in the ITV voting scam. He tries to get her bank details to send the "Rebate Cheque", and then starts making a speech about how important ITV is (while playing Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau as a backing track on a tape player). He then gets back to the point of the call, saying he wants to pay her the monies, and she says it's too good to be true. She creates an idea for Ant and Dec to send the money to her, George then says it can be arranged and will say hello to them for her.
- Mr Broadbandings calling from "Internet Relationship Providings", asking a man the usual "Are you in a relationship at the moment?" question. He is interested in signing up, and gives details for the sort of girl he is looking for. Mr Broadbandings then puts his descriptions in a computer which acts like a slot machine, and shouts "I'm finding you datings!" every time he pulls the lever. He says the service is free, but starts the expensive prices announcement. After a while the man's partner is heard in the background telling him to put the phone down.
- Donald Donaldson phoning Francis, who is a window cleaner to book an appointment, before talking to him using sexual innuendos, and singing him a tune in the same manner.
- Janec phoning a neighbour from his bedsit asking for the Poland football match result, as there is no TV, the man says he is not watching it and Janec asks him to check the other channels. The man says a quiz show is on channel 4, Kraków 951 is played on the TV. Janec then asks him if he and his friends could listen to it. The man refuses as he's watching Coronation Street, Janec again asks to listen but the man refuses and tells him he is going to bed.
- A posh man phoning a scrap yard trying to get another man's car scrapped, as the owner has been having sex with his wife. The scrapyard owner refuses to do so as the man does not have the documents, annoyed by this he smashes the window only to set the alarm off, and get assaulted by the man who owns the car.
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| 2.5 |
- A man phoning direct enquires requesting a telephone number, but does not have the address or a name, but still keeps on asking. He later says he is trying to track down his ex-girlfriend.
- Stevie phoning an airport applying for a chef job. When he reveals he has a criminal record, the man refuses saying that BAA will not issue an airside pass.
- Andrew calling a police station about the appearance of a series of gang members, only to pretend that the line is faulty, so the man on the other end of the line cannot hear the descriptions properly, nor his phone number.
- Terry Tibbs phones a man named Anthony, from a fireworks display company, asking how long a display will last. Anthony says it lasts for seven minutes, with Terry asking in reply if they'll be the greatest seven minutes he'll see of fireworks. He then says the display is for a celebration of his divorce, and says he is thinking of having it round his house, his wife's or his father in-law's. Anthony then asks where he lives only to reply "Well, my house!". Terry then asks Anthony who the last person he spoke to was, with it being his girlfriend. Terry then asks him what they spoke about, and tells Terry they talked about sex. Terry then asks if they whispered or spoke loud, before Anthony says they did a bit of both, and then gets back on the subject of the fireworks. After a while Terry ends the call with his "Goodnight and much love!" farewell.
- Mr Broadbandings receiving a call from a man, who is enquiring an advert he is running selling two tickets for Dolly Parton. Mr Broadbandings confuses the man by thinking he is after train tickets, and then offering tickets for flights, and Bon Jovi before the man hangs up, saying that he is no longer interested, despite Mr Broadbandings efforts to offer tickets for Take That.
- Donald Donaldson phoning an estate agents for the viewing of a house. He asks about the hair colour of the man who does the viewings, before asking for more details of his appearance. Donald then asks in a sexual manner if he would like to spend time with him, only for the man he is talking with to hang up and hold his head in his hands, while the Fonejacker laughs.
- Mendoza calls a drummer named Pierre, so he can bang a single drum at an orgy. Despite being offer 15,000 euros, then 30,000 euros, Pierre refuses the offer.
- Mr Doovdé calling a local record store and singing nonsense lyrics to the Missy Elliott song "Get Ur Freak On". They also guess the name of the song correctly, after asking him to sing the first part again.
- Janec calling a plumbing, gas and building site company for a job, only to give a very long Polish mobile phone number, and mention how many tea breaks he will take in comparison to the British workers (Janec says one, while he also says that he's seen the British take many with biscuits). The woman he is talking to says the workers do not take that many at all, and Janec then says he can be taken on for cheap labour, only for the woman to think he is aiming to compete with the workforce and hang up.
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| 2.6 |
- Mr Doovde phoning a direct enquires line, for NCP's telephone number.
- Janec phoning a modelling agency, in which he tries to trick the man into thinking he asked him for the time, after giving a height that was below the regulation. He later asks about for bringing his wife and children, and asks for the age limits before giving their ages. He mentions his mother, but the man dismisses this and says she is too tall when Janec says she is 7'2". The man Janec is talking to appears to be looking at Fonejacker clips on YouTube, with George Agdgdgwngo on the screen. Janec also claims to be Ukrainian.
- The Fonejacker contacting an Algerian man named Kimahl on his phone, after finding his number on the last calls dialed directory. He says he spoke for 48 minutes, asking what he was speaking to his wife Joanne about, suspecting there is an affair taking place behind his back.
- Dufrais calling the Met Office complaining about the weather being forecast incorrectly in a newspaper.
- Terry Tibbs enquiring about buying a Hi-Fi cabinet. Terry later asks if she has anything else to sell, which is a Technics Hi-Fi, and a sofa.
- Charlie Wong from the Chinese Piracy Gang, receiving a call back from Pathé, in which he is enquiring them to send him some films they have not yet released, pretending to be an employee of the BAFTA DVD department (which does not exist), so he can forward them to the voting panel. He is transferred to another department who does not know of him, and is asked by the other lady to e-mail her to confirm if he works for BAFTA. He later offers her to buy a DVD, only to hang up.
- Donald Donaldson contacting a bouncer named Neil and enquires about frisking in a sexual context.
- A fat gerbil telephones a fitness centre to lose weight.
- A man contacting the automated Ticketline service for musical tickets to We Will Rock You, only for it to think he asked for Disney on Ice, and then on the second attempt it's recognised. The automated service also understands the caller wants two tickets, but on the first attempt instead. However, when the caller asks for upper tier tickets, it thinks he is asking for back of the venue tickets, but the caller says its correct. On the clarification announcement the automated service, says "57, back of venue tickets for The Lion King!", only for the caller to hang up after saying "Fuck you, man!".
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