Jack Mary Ann - The Tales

The Tales

Mary Ann fell one night ill and asked Jack to go for the doctor. Jack was reluctant to do so because he was afraid of being attacked while walking through a rough area at night. Eventually he grabbed a kitchen chair and made to leave. Mary Ann called Jack back and asked him what he wanted the chair for. Jack said that if he did meet anyone who wanted to fight him, he would tell them he was moving house secretly to avoid paying the rent and that there were five men behind him with the other chairs and the kitchen table.

Jack and Mary Ann avoided paying rent on their cottage. One day a bailiff called to serve them with notice to quit. They hid when he knocked. He tried to push the notice under the door. Jack took the bellows from the fire and blew the notice back outside. As the bailiff walked away he was heard to remark, "No wonder Jack won't pay rent on a draughty old place like that!"

The landlord decided to give up the struggle about the rent and called at the house one day and told Mary Ann he was going to give them the house. Jack returned from the pub and Mary Ann told him about their surprising good fortune. Jack asked Mary Ann if she'd accepted the house. When she said she had, he became angry: "You stupid woman! We paid nothing before, now we'll have to pay the rates!"

Surprisingly, Jack used to work as a policeman. This ended when the new police inspector walked into a local pub which was still open after licensed hours and found Jack with a pint in one hand leaning on the pub piano leading the bar in a chorus. The inspector, amazed at this gross breach of duty, brought out his notebook intending to record Jack's name and offence, and asked Jack, "Who are you?" Jack replied, "I'm the bobby that's just lost his job".