Captain Cook (Blackadder) - Plot

Plot

When Field Marshal Haig unveils his new strategy to advance on the German trenches (or as Blackadder puts it, to "move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin"), Blackadder volunteers to be the Official War Artist.

The episode starts with Blackadder and Baldrick discussing the latter's latest feeble cunning plan: namely, Baldrick carving his name on a bullet to get around the fact that "there's a bullet with his name on it". Lt. George enters and provides Blackadder with a copy of the propaganda magazine King and Country, which Blackadder uses for toilet paper, and a new service revolver. Blackadder deduces that an advance against the Germans is imminent. Baldrick suggests that they take up cooking at HQ to get out of the assaul but Blackadder shoots down the idea, knowing Baldrick is the worst cook in the world.

Shortly afterwards, Blackadder is called to the office of General Melchett for a special mission: Field Marshal Haig's supreme tactical plan (where the men climb out of their trenches and walk slowly towards the enemy...a plan they've used 18 times before) is weakening the men's morale, and he needs a piece of art for the front cover of King and Country. Blackadder is uninterested until he learns that the artist needs to leave the trenches for Paris, and attempts to paint a work of art by himself. He and Baldrick both fail, but when George reveals he can paint surprisingly well, Blackadder gets him to paint a picture of a British soldier (resembling Blackadder) standing next to a body of a dead nun in a ruined French village.

However, when Melchett and Captain Darling arrive to inspect the work, Blackadder switches his painting "War" with George's, the former being the first in line. George tries to speak out, but since he and Baldrick are only to speak when permitted by Blackadder, the Captain denies hearing it. The next painting is Baldrick's "My Family and Other Animals," which shows vomit, to which Melchett rejects. Blackadder proceeds to take credit for George's painting, earning himself the position of war artist.

Melchett then reveals that the King and Country cover story was just a ploy: instead of Paris, the chosen artist will in fact go into no man's land and draw the enemy positions. With help from George and Baldrick, he returns with a sketch illustrating immense fictional enemy defensive capabilities, including large numbers of armament factories and elephants. Darling and Blackadder suggests that the push should be canceled. Melchett responds by saying that would be exactly what the enemy would expect... and what they won't do, in order to make the Germans think that the British intelligence is rotten. Melchett orders the attack anyway, which the three avoid by dressing up as Italian chefs and substituting themselves for Melchett's chef. After serving Baldrick's poisonous cuisine to Melchett and Darling, the three escape back to the trenches, where Blackadder asks Baldrick how he managed to get so much custard out of such a small cat.