Trapped in The Closet (South Park) - Plot

Plot

Not wanting to spend any money and stumped for something to do, Stan takes a free "personality test" that is being offered by Scientologists on the street. After answering a long questionnaire, Stan is informed that he is extremely depressed and therefore a perfect candidate for Scientology; they offer to help him out for $240. Back at home, Stan asks his parents for money to help with his depression, and his father suggests he use the money he had been saving for a new bike. After he pays, Stan is taken into an auditing room, and an attendant named Michelle reads his "thetan levels" using an "E-meter". Stan has a high reading that shocks Michelle and the results are faxed to the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles. There, the president of Scientology determines that, because his reading is so high, Stan must be a reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology's founder and prophet.

Later that night, a large group of Scientologists, including John Travolta, have gathered outside to celebrate Hubbard's "second coming". The president of Scientology arrives in a helicopter and talks with Stan's parents; they oppose his being in the group, but the president informs them that, "We're not asking him to join us; we're asking him to lead us." Randy sends Stan to his room where he finds Tom Cruise waiting for him. Cruise, thinking Stan is genuinely Hubbard's reincarnation, asks him whether he enjoyed his acting. When Stan tells Cruise that his acting is not as good as others', Tom locks himself in Stan's bedroom closet, believing he is "a failure in the eyes of the prophet". He refuses to come out, despite the attempts of Randy, Nicole Kidman, Travolta, and R. Kelly to persuade him to "come out of the closet"; Travolta and Kelly eventually go into the closet as well.

Downstairs, the Scientology president tries to convince Stan's parents to let their son join them. They want to reveal the great secret of life behind their church to Stan. Randy asks his son if he would like to know this information, and Stan responds with "sure". The president tells him a condensed version of the story of Xenu, based directly on the actual Scientology Operating Thetan III document, and accompanied by an onscreen caption reading, "This is what Scientologists actually believe." After explaining these beliefs, he tells Stan to continue writing where "L. Ron" left off. Stan begins writing and he shows his writings to the Scientology president, who approves of most of his work; but when Stan says, "to really be a church, they can't charge money to help", the president reveals to Stan that the church is in reality a money making scam.

Outside the house, the president introduces Stan to his followers, to whom he will read his new doctrine. However, instead of presenting it to them, Stan states that he is actually not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, and that: "Scientology is just a big fat global scam." His followers grow angry, and threaten to sue him. Tom Cruise leaves Stan's closet and appears, threatening to sue Stan as well. Stan dares them to do so, and the episode ends with the credits listing only "John Smith" and "Jane Smith", a reference to Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology's reputations for litigiousness.