Top Gear: Vietnam Special - Route

Route

The journey began at the heart of Saigon, where the three presenters were each given shoeboxes full of 15 million Vietnamese đồng to buy vehicles. Though at first the presenters were ecstatic about the seemingly vast amount of money they were given by the producers this time, they soon discovered that it was not nearly enough to buy a car. James May discovered that a standard Fiat 500 cost 560,000,000₫ (£22,000), and their 15,000,000₫ was "around US$1000" according to the Fiat salesman. As a last resort, all three, much to Clarkson's initial dismay, decided to buy motorbikes. Hammond bought a Belarusian-built 125 cc two-stroke Minsk, May a four-stroke Honda Super Cub and the unenthusiastic Clarkson purchased a two-stroke green Piaggio Vespa. (According to the DVD commentary, Clarkson's Vespa was equipped with several rear-view mirrors in order to conceal a handlebar-mounted camera.)

Though Clarkson had previously ridden two-wheeled transport without assistance during visits to Cuba and Vietnam for his series Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld, broadcast on 12 January 1995, he required the help of locals and an Australian tourist to start the scooter and showed difficulty in driving it at first.

Hammond was the only one whose head was small enough to fit inside a locally-bought helmet, while May resorted to using a wok and colander for head protection. Clarkson used a metal bucket at first, replacing it with a proper helmet after several hours of "learning" to ride the Vespa.

The first leg of the journey was from Saigon to the mountain town of Đà Lạt, where they spent the night drinking Vietnamese beer, eating local cuisine made from snake meat, and taking shots of vodka mixed with snake's blood and bile, all of which Hammond refused.

The next morning, Hammond was shown his flattened motorcycle helmet, which had been crushed by May and Clarkson as a result of the previous evening's drinking and replaced with a new pink one. May joked, "Don't take this the wrong way. Different colours assume different significance in different cultures. To us, that is a feminine colour but to them it's the colour of warriors." Shortly after, they set off for the city of Nha Trang. Along the way, the trio encountered torrential rain and other calamities, such as May running out of fuel and Hammond's clutch cable snapping.

Constant breakdowns caused a problem for the pair of two-stroke machines and due to Hammond's clutch cable and an earlier breakdown of Clarkson's Vespa, the producers decided to stop footing the bill for their mounting repairs and instead punish the presenters if they broke down, by making them complete the voyage in an unappealing vehicle (a function served by the Volkswagen Beetle in the Botswana Special in series 10): a Honda Chaly mini-bike, painted and flanked in a Stars and Stripes livery (similar to the bike seen in the film Easy Rider) and fitted with an iPod audio system continuously playing Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A.". (Both the iTunes and NetFlix versions of the episode have "The Star-Spangled Banner" playing, however references to Springsteen and the song remain in these versions.) The presenters contended that riding the bike would be inappropriate as memories of the Vietnam War were still rife among the local populace. As Clarkson then put it - "Suddenly all our bikes worked perfectly."

In Nha Trang, Clarkson presented Hammond with a scale model of a Spanish galleon, which Hammond now had to transport on the back of his Minsk. The next leg of the trip passed through Tuy Hòa, Qui Nhơn, Quảng Ngãi, and Tam Kỳ, and ended in Hội An (described by Clarkson as "Vietnam's Saville Row"). During this stay they purchased bespoke new clothes, and Clarkson enjoyed a short break from his various problems in a hotel. Hammond and May spent the day driving their bikes on the beach. Whilst on the beach, Hammond met a deaf-mute veteran who explained via sand drawings how he had fought on the beach during the Vietnam conflict.

That night, Hammond spent his time repairing his bike after it had been partially submerged in sea water while Clarkson teased him by reciting the lyrics of "Born in the U.S.A."

In the morning, they continued their journey to Huế through the Hải Vân Mountain Pass, which Clarkson praised as "...a deserted ribbon of perfection — one of the best coast roads in the world," before complaining that "someone has written PENIS on my helmet" to which Hammond replied "I did that." Beforehand, Hammond and Clarkson stopped at a marble sculptor to procure a gift for May: a small but heavy statue of a ballet dancer, later christened "Darcey". Mid-way through the pass, Hammond and May presented Clarkson with a bulky painting. Hammond damaged his model galleon twice during the journey: firstly by clipping one side of the ship against some roadside wheelie-bins (causing his mast to collapse) and later by clipping and knocking over a sign placed at a toll-booth.

In Huế, Clarkson and May convinced several staff at a local restaurant to vandalise Hammond's Minsk by spray-painting it bright pink, while Hammond repaired his model ship (which was damaged during the journey) in the hotel's business centre. However he damaged it again almost immediately; standing up with the model, the mast got caught in the ceiling fan, breaking it once again.

The next day, they entered North Vietnam through Đông Hà, where they spent the morning completing the challenge of securing driver's licences. This entailed sitting through a theory lesson in a classroom. All three presenters were asked to stand up and answer a question. May made hand gestures, Hammond then made an arbitrary comment about turning vehicles giving way (in English), while Clarkson made a statement in Vietnamese that was deemed correct. He then explained to the other presenters that the teacher asked him "what is the minimum required age to obtain a motorcycle license", which he correctly answered with "18", and that "If they hadn't learned Vietnamese when they knew they were coming to Vietnam, that was their problem". They then proceeded to a practical riding test, attempting to navigate a course marked out by paint on the ground. Hammond and May passed, while Clarkson repeatedly failed, unable to stay within the painted guidelines. They concluded the challenge by reasoning that, as Clarkson had passed the theory and the other two had passed the practical, Top Gear had collectively passed the test. At the end of the challenge Clarkson damaged May's 'gift' by forgetting to lower the stand on May's bike and dropping it (a running gag throughout the show, although you can see that "Darcey" is not on the bike when Clarkson is sitting on it, or while he's getting off, the camera cuts to the 'gift' smashing on the floor).

After visiting the bullet-torn Citadel of Huế (one of the major battlefields during the Tet Offensive of 1968), Clarkson reasoned that the trio could not make it to their final destination in the alloted time. They therefore decided to cheat by boarding an overnight train to Hạ Long, a 13-hour journey which bypassed Vinh, Thanh Hóa and Nam Định. To kill time in the train each presenter tried to fix the damage accumulated by the other's gift: Hammond tried to refurbish Clarkson's ripped painting by adding a Land Rover; Clarkson tried to super-glue May's shattered sculpture back together; and May transformed Hammond's galleon into a Chinese junk. Upon disembarking, the trio discovered that they had boarded the wrong train and had arrived in Hanoi (Hà Nội), 79.49 mi (127.93 km) to the west of their intended destination.

During the final push to Hạ Long, Clarkson fell off his Vespa, breaking 2 ribs and badly scraping his right arm and elbow. He finally concluded of two-wheel motoring, "I've always said to my children that if they buy a bike, I will burn it, and if they replace it with another one, I shall burn that too. Now, however, if they buy a bike I will completely understand — and then I'll burn it."

By dusk, the exhausted trio had arrived at the wharf in Hạ Long, only to be given one final challenge: to navigate the maze of 1,969 limestone islets in Hạ Long Bay and get to Ba Hàng Bar, located in a cove somewhere in the waters, by converting their motorcycles into watercraft overnight. Upon setting off the next morning, May's craft nearly sank early on and was towed back to shore for repairs. Meanwhile, Hammond and Clarkson got lost and found themselves stuck in the mouth of a cave. Eventually, Clarkson reached their destination first, Hammond second (after his steering had failed), and May later joined them by swimming from where his "bike-ski" had disintegrated and started to sink for the second time. In the film's conclusion, Clarkson summed up their adventure and ended with, "It's hard to sum it up really. Perhaps that's why people when they get back from this country always say the same thing, Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!"