Synopsis
The play begins with Sasha helping into her flat an old man, Val, dressed as Father Christmas. He was hit by a car near a children's hospital where he was doing his good deed for the year. Sasha came from Norfolk two months ago to study catering, with the hope of running a restaurant she sings in. For now, however, she washes dishes at the Dorchester Hotel. Val, meanwhile, claims to be the serious crime squad. But the paranoia he has over who ran him over, and tone of a phone call to his nephew, Frankie, suggests that he is more of a gangster.
When Chloe, Sasha's older half-sister, arrives home, she is horrified that Sasha let a stranger into her house. Before and after Val leaves, Chloe shows stress through her job as a TV researcher, the imminently rising rent, and her boyfriend who calls off dates by text message. Then a beautiful bunch of flowers arrive at the door. But they are not to Chloe from Zack, but instead to Sasha from "Uncle Val".
In scene two, two weeks later, Sasha enjoys a beautiful new dress, a ride in a Rolls-Royce, tickets to the Royal Opera House with Val to see The Flying Dutchman - all supposedly obtained cheaply through people Val knows. Also, the rent is mysteriously not rising after all. Chloe is starting to wonder, but right now is preparing for a candlelit dinner with Zack. However, shortly after Sasha and Val leave, Chloe receives the text message she feared.
Later that night, in scene 3, Sasha returns to find Chloe drunk and unconscious. Fearing she is dead, she shouts for help, and a man with an eye patch arrives. He is Ashley, the new neighbour downstairs. After helping Sasha get Chloe to bed, Ashley assumes (owing to a misunderstanding of the phrase "working girls") they are both prostitutes. He also claims to be retired from the serious crime squad, and blames the loss of his eye on a car chase, and before leaving tells Sasha he is looking out for her.
In the next scene, two days later, Sasha is further spoiled more gifts bought cheaply through Val's "contacts" - mostly women who (in Sasha's eyes) Val took care of. She also looks set to get a job in a nightclub. Ashley then calls with the news that Zack is in hospital, having fallen victim to muggers who stuck his mobile phone up his bottom (to some embarrassment when Chloe rang him). With Sasha out of the room, the two men confront each other. Ashley is, in fact, on a lifelong quest to put Val behind bars. Val was no policeman but instead a pimp, and the women who Val set up are the ones who survived. Ashley warns Val not to harm her. Val muses that the flat could do with some new furniture.
At the start of Act Two, several weeks later, the flat is transformed into something expensive yet devoid of character. Sasha, too, is becoming something expensive and without character. Ashley helps Sasha move in the final few things, and tries again to warn her about Val, but Sasha is adamant she won't permit them to say nasty things about each other.
When Chloe returns (having spent a holiday with Zack in Majorca to recover from the accident), she exclaims that the place has been turned into a brothel. Snapping, she calls Val a dirty old man, tells Sasha she will pay for her “gifts” eventually and declares she will live in a hotel until the furniture is gone. Sasha retorts by highlighting Chloe's unreciprocated devotion to Zack, calls her a failure, and throws Chloe's present (a cheap Majorcan pot) after her as she leaves.
In the next scene, Sasha prepare a dinner party for Val, Ashley and the “designer” Sasha used, Charmaine (one of Val's "proteges"). Ashley and Val have agreed a truce for the evening, but Val still privately reminds Val that he really lost his eye in a drunken darts match, and that his obsession with Val cost him his marriage. After Charmaine arrives, Sasha mentions she is considering dropping out of catering college and running a nightclub instead, or some other higher ambition. She says it's all thanks to Val, who shows signs that he is truly growing fond of her.
But in the next scene, after the dinner, Sasha feels excluded as Val, Ashley and Charmaine, none of whom liked her cooking that much, reminisce with stories of old times. Sensing this, Val persuades Sasha to sing. She manages a good classical rendition of Nobody's Heart Belongs to Me, which moves Val and Ashley. Charmaine, however, has treated Sasha like a trainee prostitute all evening, and belittles her for being unsexy. Val loses his temper, and showing a frightening side not seen before, orders her out. With Sasha out of the room, the truce breaks down and Val and Ashley fight, only to do more damage to themselves than each other. Then Sasha takes a phone call, and hears that Chloe fell in front of a train.
In the final scene, Sasha clears up with a sedated Chloe in her bedroom. Ashley calls first to say that he and Val reached an agreement to find different planets to live on. Then Val calls, and even though Chloe's fall was clearly an accident, Val still denies involvement. Sasha tells Val they have to stop this, saying that although she enjoyed it, she really knew all along the side she didn't want to see. Finally, Chloe emerges, tired of small hotel rooms and warming to some of the less ghastly furniture. The fact that Zack did not visit her in hospital finally persuades her this, too, must end. So when flowers arrive at the door, without checking who they are for, they both refuse them.
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