Russian Political Jokes - Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

Humour about Putin takes the form of satirical "facts" similar to the ones told about Chuck Norris, ascribing various superpowers to the Russian president. Putin facts come out of his "tough guy" image:

• When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
• Putin once built a fully functional MiG when he was 5, and proceeded to shoot down 16 American spy planes.
• A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma. A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
• Putin can speak with animals.
• If Putin walks in the forest at night and wants to take a nap, bears come to serve as blankets while he sleeps.
• When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins. When he is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
• Pluto stopped being classified as a planet because Putin once commented on how silly its name was during a dinner with the top astronomers.
• A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
• Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
• Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
• Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
• Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand you.
• When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
• By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
• Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
• Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
• Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
• Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
• Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
• Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually – a phenomenon also known as global warming.
• Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
• If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
• If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
• If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
• When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
• Putin doesn’t need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen’s eye level.
• Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
• Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
• Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
• Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
• Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
• Putin’s dog saved the world at least four times.
• A combination of Putin’s fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.