Russian Jokes - Russian Military Jokes

Russian Military Jokes

Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a praporschik (warrant officer) is an archetypal bully of limited wit.

A. Dmitriev illustrates his sociological essay "Army Humor" with a large number of military jokes, mostly of Russian origin.

There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:

• Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
• Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence to lunchtime!"
• Don't make clever faces at me — you're future officers, now act accordingly!"

The punchline "from the fence to lunchtime" has become a well-known Russian cliché for an assignment with no defined ending (or for doing something forever).

Some of them are philosophical and apply not just to warrant officers.

• Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "There is nothing to think about, gotta shake!".

Commander and intellectual trooper:

• A commander announces: - "The platoon has been assigned to unload 'luminum, the lightest iron in the world". A trooper responds, "Permission to speak... It's 'aluminium', not 'luminum', and it's one of the lightest metals in the world, not the lightest 'iron' in the world.". The commander retorts: "The platoon is going to unload 'luminum... and the intelligentsia are going to unload 'castum ironum'!" (For Russian speakers: the words were lyuminiy and chuguniy).

(A persistent theme in Russian military/police/law-enforcement-related jokes is the ongoing conflict between the representatives of the armed forces/law enforcement, and the "intelligentsia", i.e. well-educated members of society. Therefore, this theme is a satire of the image of military/law-enforcement officers and superiors as dumb and distrustful of "those educated smart-alecks".)

Until shortly before perestroika, all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military ROTC courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve. A good deal of military jokes originated there.

• "Soviet nuclear bombs are 25% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (the first five letters of the Russian alphabet, they are transliterated into Latin as A, B, V, G, D).
• "A nuclear bomb always hits ground zero."
• "Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
• A threat to an idle student: "I ought to take you out into the open field, put you face first against a wall, and shoot you between the eyes with a shotgun, so that you'd remember it for the rest of your life!
• "Cadets, write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporshchik, you're mistaken — it's 100°!" The officer checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."
• - Cadets, now write down: "This device works at the temperature between -400 and 400 degrees."

- Comrade praporshchik, there is no temperature like -400 degrees!. - It's a secret device.

Sometimes, these silly statements can cross over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit:

• "Cadet, explain why you have come to class wearing the uniform of our probable military opponent!" (most probably, the instructor means jeans made in the USA) The right answer, as mentioned sometimes, is: "Because they are a probable war trophy!"

It also can be jokes about Russian nuclear-missile forces and worldwide disasters because of lack of basic army discipline.

• A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and hits the "red button"/ As the colonel comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"/ "Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"
• Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and shiny. On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about without any order, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (traditional Russian winter footwear made of felt) on the control board? I'm asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!". From the American submarine, a shaved, sober and well-dressed captain, notes sarcastically: "You know, folks, in America...". The Russian captain interrupts him, screaming: "America? America??! There is none of your fucking America anymore!" (Turns back to the crew) "Who threw a valenok onto the control board?!"

There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:

• Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why don’t you march in single file?" Navy ending: "... why don't you wear a tel'nik?" (short for telnyashka).