List of Late Night With Conan O'Brien Sketches - Monologue Digressions

Monologue Digressions

• Awkward Throws to Max Weinberg - Conan usually begins his monologue by saying "We've got a good show tonight, isn't that right Max?" to which Max replies in an intentionally nonchalant tone, "Yeah", then usually shrugs. One such awkward throw started with Max saying, "Mmm-hmmmm" in a satisfied matter, prompting Conan to blurt out, "I didn't ask, 'How's the rice, Uncle Ben?'!"
• "Donald Trump Impression" - Conan's impression of Donald Trump has him tugging on his hair, sucking his cheeks in, using Trump's catch phrase, "You're fired!" and performing Trump's python hand move as The Max Weinberg 7 plays the intro to The O'Jays' "For the Love of Money", which is used as the theme song to Trump's NBC show The Apprentice. This bit is usually performed any time that Trump is mentioned, whether in the monologue or in interviews or comedy sketches. Conan has performed this bit with Donald Trump himself present in the studio on more than one occasion.
• Eating a Tear - Conan sometimes will say something that will cause him to shed, and then eat, a tear. This is pantomimed by running a finger from his eye down his cheek to his mouth.
• "I'm-a Gonna Go to Hell When I Die" - a rousing gospel-styled song, started on November 12, 2004, that has no lyrics other than its title and is always accompanied by a rhythmic clapping beat. The audience will usually start clapping along, causing Conan to exclaim, "Don't clap along to that, that's terrible!" Occasionally, Conan has recycled the tune with a new title/lyric, notably "I Had an Unhappy Childhood and You Have to Pay". This is often sung by Conan after the audience finds one of his jokes distasteful, many times when referring to Star Jones. Another variation, sung in a different tune, is "I'll Be Beaten to Death When I Leave Tonight".
• The Shark Attack - Conan leaves the screen, crouches down just enough and walks past the camera so that only his red pompadour is visible.
• International Symbol for Larry King - Conan pretends to pull suspenders away from his body, then makes spectacles with his thumbs and forefingers. He then explains that this is the International Symbol for Larry King, comparing it to the equivalent for choking.
• "Keep cool, my babies!" - Often spoken immediately before his monologue as a response to thunderous applause, Conan will utter this phrase in order to calm his excited audience. "Keep cool, my babies!" is often followed by "The String Dance" (see entry below).
• "The Late Night Cat" - Conan jumps out of the frame and disappears (with a whooshing sound, as in Miscellaneous Pantomiming below) for a few seconds before reappearing extremely close to the camera, out of focus, and hissing at it in a feline manner (complete with "claws" extended). This usually occurs when the studio audience dislikes a joke told in the monologue.
• Smoothing the Eyebrows - Conan quickly licks the tips of the index and pinkie fingers of one hand, and uses them simultaneously to smooth his eyebrows.
• I love you too, sir - If an audience member screams something (often admirable) at Conan, he makes a joke such as, "I love you too, sir" or "It's nice of my dad for coming."
• Making fun of LaBamba - Conan sometimes looks over toward band member Richie "LaBamba" Rosenberg when there is a homosexual or unsavory reference in the monologue. LaBamba usually reacts by staring back at Conan with a bemused, disappointed, or "deflated" look on his face and/or shaking his head. Conan usually proceeds to explain that LaBamba would not be surprised by the reference if he would just attend the rehearsal.
• Miscellaneous Pantomiming - Conan will duck in and out of frame, while making a whooshing sound.
• "Making Fun of Products" - Conan will mock a certain product or brand. He then asks the producer if said brand is a sponsor. The producer answers "yes" before Conan lets off an uncomfortable laugh.
• "Nerd Impression" - When nerds are mentioned in Conan's monologue (such as in the context of "Star Wars/Star Trek/The Lord of the Rings/The Matrix nerds"), he sometimes alters his voice to sound like a "nerd" criticizing Conan for that joke. This usually involves pushing his "glasses" up the bridge of his nose, wagging his finger, bucking his teeth, waving an invisible lightsaber, using sci-fi related quotes, or saying something like, "How dare you", or "I'll get you, Conan O'Brien!" and pushing the buttons on an invisible calculator. On Tonight, he has added turnings of a Rubik's Cube. Coinciding with the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in theaters, Conan has placed an invisible sorcerer's hat on his head and drawn the lightning bolt on his forehead (as if he were Harry Potter), then waves an invisible wand while saying in his nerd voice, "I strike at thee!"
• "The String Dance" - Conan mimes attaching strings to his hips and pulls them, shaking his hips back and forth until he "cuts" one of the strings, dropping the "attached" hip. The string dance is customarily performed before the monologue during the audience applause, or during the monologue, but Conan has also performed the dance at the request of guests. Jim Carrey also chose to perform his own version of the string dance on his appearance in December 2005. Justin Timberlake, Ice-T, MC Hammer, The Rock, Paula Abdul, Usher, Matt Bluhm, John Tesh, and Christina Applegate have also performed the dance. Houston Texans wide receiver David Anderson performed it as a touchdown celebration during the 2008 season. In the epilogue of the February 12, 2009 episode of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, host Stephen Colbert "stole" Conan's strings in retribution for Conan's departure from New York to Los Angeles. As "ransom" for the strings, Colbert demanded Conan's return to New York. On February 18, 2009 Conan's opening monologue expressed disdain over Colbert's theft of the string dance and openly challenged him to the rights of the dance. Colbert then emerged from backstage to the surprise of the audience. The audience responded with a mix of ecstatic cheering and mock jeering for Colbert and encouraged a string dance-off. Colbert "won" by "tying" string around Conan.
• Unusual Audience Reactions - Conan is always amused by, and makes fun of, the unusual reactions of his audience to some of his monologue jokes. The most common reaction is a horrified/angry "booing", morphing into "polite laughter and applause", which Conan admits is his favorite reaction. Another audience reaction is delayed laughter to a punchline, sometimes sparking Conan's "Delayed reaction always creeps me out" song, in the style of "I'm-a Gonna Go to Hell When I Die".
• Anna Nicole Smith Impression - Conan imitates her nonsensical mutterings, drug-induced wandering, and outbursts. He will wander back and forth in front of the camera, muttering, and finally jumps out with the "cat hiss", also seen in the Late Night Cat digression. Not seen since her death.
• Geraldo Rivera Impression - When there's a news story or any reference to news personality Geraldo Rivera, Conan often places his index finger across his upper lip, denoting a mustache.
• Tom Selleck Impression - Similar to the Geraldo Rivera impression except Conan places two fingers across his upper lip to convey a thicker mustache.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression - When a topic comes up referring to the actor, Conan will often put on an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, speak in a pseudo-Germanic language, pretend to eat a giant sausage (Conan claims he "likes his Arnold to be eating a sausage at the end") while flexing his muscles and giving a "death-stare" to the audience.
• George W. Bush Impression - When there's a news story or any reference to President George W. Bush, Conan will often look away from the camera, as if distracted by something, then look straight back at the camera with a confused look on his face, exclaiming "Huh?"
• Congress/Parliament applause - If one of his jokes gets lukewarm applause, Conan will liken it to members of Congress or Parliament clapping along. He'll also say "Yes, very good, O'Brien", or something to that effect, in a somewhat aristocratic tone.
• U.S.A. Chant - Most usually done when he has redeemed an obviously bad joke with a good one, Conan sometimes celebrates by beginning a chant of "U.S.A! U.S.A!" As soon as the audience joins in, Conan immediately stops and stares at them.
• Rhetorical Set-Up Questions - Conan frequently introduces a monologue joke by asking a rhetorical question about whether or not the audience has heard of a certain event; he then gives them no time to respond, and criticizes them for being uninformed.
• Producer Impression - Often, when Conan says something especially odd or stupid, he will say that the producer is looking at him and then imitates the producer with a serious tone and expression, often crossing his arms, then poking fun at his impression's similarity to Jackie Mason.