List of David Letterman Sketches - Non-regular Sketches

Non-regular Sketches

7-Eleven Giveaways

Letterman introduces a man claiming to be James Keyes, President and CEO of 7-Eleven, who then announces to the audience and viewers of the convenience store's latest promotional tie-in with the Late Show. The announcements first began with a commemoration of the date of July 11, 2006 ("7-11"), when all 7-Eleven stores would supposedly give away free Slurpees, hot dogs, and muffins to anyone who said "Dave sent me!" (all items were said to be paid for by Letterman). Since then, the man portraying Keyes has sporadically appeared, enthusiastically announcing other food item giveaways and lavish prize drawings. After the man walks off stage, Shaffer then asks Letterman if the man really is president and CEO of 7-Eleven, only to have Letterman reluctantly admit that he isn't.

"Action News"

Letterman will occasionally interrupt a bit for "Action News", a bit that mocks "teaser" promos for local newscasts. Dave will look to the camera to his left and read a fake news headline with an ostensibly disingenuous smile and cheery demeanor. On the screen, in the style of a newscast, appears a news graphic next to Dave's face and the legend "Dave Letterman, Action News" at the bottom of the screen. After delivering the headline, Dave will then turn to the camera to his right and deliver another fake headline. He'll then "promote" Action News ("That's all coming up tonight on 'Action News.'"), and then return to the original bit as if nothing had happened. Occasionally, a weather reporter from an actual CBS affiliate will also deliver a pre-recorded fake weather tease. "Action News" most frequently interrupts "Fun Facts", although it occasionally interrupts other bits, including the Top Ten List. "Action News" began appearing in early 2008.

Cameraman Dave Dorsett Leaves the Theatre

During the segment of the show following the monologue, Letterman will be setting up a comedy bit when the camera trained on him begins to drift downward and stops with Letterman's head out of frame. Letterman will continue for several seconds before noticing the camera's new position, when he stops his bit and asks the cameraman, Dave Dorsett, what is happening. Dorsett explains that he has to leave the theatre for one reason or another (normally tied to a hyped event such as a new movie or video game release), and speaks of his disdain for the show as he exits through the guest entrance. The camera remains in its resting position for the remainder of the segment, causing Letterman to have to lean down and turn his head sideways to get into the shot. In another variation, Dorsett will not leave the studio, but will be preoccupied with something else, such as reading. When the show returns from commercial, the camera shot is back to normal.

Campaign 2000

Throughout the summer and fall of 2000, Dave and the cast (featuring producer Maria Pope) would ostensibly recap the latest on the presidential campaign between Al Gore and George W. Bush. An opening animation would roll accompanied by the orchestra, after which Alan Kalter would read a series of "sponsors", which included party ice (available in clear, semi-clear and opaque), the "ComposTumbler", onetime informercial sensation Hairagami and the then-new "Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake". One of the most notable (and well-worn) bits from this segment was a video clip of then-candidate Bush whispering (despite an open lavalier microphone) to Dick Cheney that a reporter was a "major league asshole", to which Cheney chuckled back "Oh, big time." Outside this, however, it was common for Campaign 2000 to include no campaign-related content whatsoever.

Coincidentally, that was the same summer in which Survivor achieved its initial meteoric success. Campaign 2000 segments on days following new Survivor episodes (usually Monday, but occasionally other days) soon included that week's eliminated castaway. Dave often feigned disinterest with the castoffs, forcing them to stand next to Pope at the producer's podium; in fact, only one contestant, Elisabeth Filarski from Survivor: The Australian Outback, was ever invited to sit in a guest chair. Generally Dave would ask the contestants irrelevant, nonsensical questions; over time, he began to work Stephanie Birkitt into the segment, initially calling her upstairs in the office and later having her appear on stage in costume. She would routinely ask the castaways, "Did you see or touch any monkeys?" to which Dave would scold her. As time passed, she would promise, increasingly vehemently, not to ask the question and then ask it anyway.

For reasons unknown, the Campaign 2000 segment would appear at first regularly and then sporadically into 2001 (retaining the name "Campaign 2000"); Dave would feign exasperation at discovering its inclusion in the show, open the segment, and immediately close it without any of the "sponsors" or jokes.

"CBS Mailbag"

A Late Show staple on Fridays (originally Thursdays) until it was phased out in recent years (the last time it aired was December 3, 2004), the CBS Mailbag carried on the Late Night tradition of taking actual viewer letters (usually four at a time), and responding to each of them with a pre-written comedy routine. This segment was a carryover from Late Night, where it was known by the name "Viewer Mail;" NBC kept the segment when Letterman moved to CBS, though he quickly revived it under the "CBS Mailbag" name. "Please Mr. Postman" was the segment's theme song for the last few years (replacing a more generic jingle that was originally used).

"Charts and Graphs"

Letterman displays poster boards with various charts and graphs, usually with the last element on each being the absurd one. (Pie Chart: What will be the top priority of the next president? 43%: Stabilizing Iraq. 31%: Stabilizing climate change. 26% Stabilizing The View.)

"A Day in the Life of..." (such as "A Day in the Life of George W. Bush")

A slide show with the time of day indicated on each slide, accompanied by a humorous caption, such as "4:30 p.m. Receives FTD's 'Good Luck Bouquet' from Osama bin Laden", "5:30 p.m. Yoo-Hoo break", "6:00 p.m. Nap."

"Fun with Rupert"

One of the most popular pre-taped pieces during the show's earlier years was a Candid Camera-style bit which featured the normally mild-mannered Rupert Jee interacting with ordinary, unsuspecting people around the city. Letterman - usually hidden in a van - would covertly observe the action and provide a disguised Jee (wearing a cap, glasses, backpack, and headphones) with ad-libbed instructions via two-way communication. This resulted in Jee performing humorous and unusual antics while amusing, confusing, and in some cases irritating, various victims. The segment was ceased after an unaired incident in which Letterman would only explain that a man had pulled a knife on Jee. It was unofficially revived in a few live bits in 2006 where Jee (not in disguise) would visit a neighboring restaurant and perform similar antics.

George Clarke's "It's a Fact"

Handyman Clarke is seen backstage, bloodied and severely injured from an earlier incident. He addresses the camera, indirectly explaining the incident by imparting advice such as "Women on the street don't like to be called 'Candy Pants.'" He will then point to the camera and say, "It's a fact!"

The Guy Who Swears at Dave

A man, often portraying a Late Show staffer, calls out Letterman, expressing his irritation with him. He then addresses Kalter and Shaffer in turn, flipping off each while shouting something that is bleeped. He then repeats this with Letterman, using both hands and repeating the same phrase with extra emphasis. He then storms away, much to the shock of the three men. One time, after Dave and Paul decided that an "Is This Anything" act was nothing, the performer turned out to be the Guy, who then went into that routine. After a Stupid Pet Trick, in which a dog barked at someone giving it the finger, Dave said that he hoped the dog would not run into the Guy backstage, but in the segue before the next commercial, they were together.

"How Many Guys in... Suits Can Get into a ...?"

Examples include "How Many Guys in Spider-Man Suits Can Get Into a Jamba Juice?" and "How Many Guys in Pirate Costumes Can Fit Into A Sandwich Shop?" As the title indicates, the camera is focused on a local establishment, and Dave counts the number of persons wearing the costumes entering the store (first one at a time, then "send in 5 more") until the store is crowded. The bit usually ends with persons in other random costumes being sent in, like a horse, tooth fairy, panda bear or wizard.

"Late Show Equations"

Similar in concept to "Charts and Graphs", except there is a slide covering the comic answer to the equation. ("A rollercoaster + the smell of goat = New York City cab ride.")

"NBC 4 News Update"

A portion of a news report from WNBC in New York City is aired and then at the very end of the clip is punctuated by Sue Simmons's infamous "What the (censored) are you doing?" outburst.

"On 53rd Street"

A daredevil demonstrates his or her skills outside the theater (such as Tony Hawk performing skateboarding jumps), a half-ton pumpkin is exploded on the street, or dogs compete in the Diving Dog Competition (in which the dogs long jump into a pool). The remainder of one show was canceled when a snowboarder was injured while performing a stunt.

Osama bin Laden Tapes

Usually on the heels of recent news reports of actual propaganda video announcements released by bin Laden or Al-Qaeda, the Late Show will present their own satires of such videos. Often this consists of a stock clip of bin Laden speaking into a microphone, with the audio being overdubbed. The new dialogue will range from bin Laden partaking in distinctly American pastimes (such as giving personal football predictions) to providing Al-Qaeda members with mundane advice (such as staying home during periods of extreme weather).

A common conclusion to the bin Laden parodies depicts him putting down his microphone, only to pick it back up and declare in a blasé manner: "Oh, and death to America."

"Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts"

Stagehands Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan read an actual transcript of an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, usually involving a female celebrity guest, with Farmer taking the part of Winfrey and Sheehan the guest. Each read their lines in a distinctly monotone fashion, in humorous contrast to the enthusiastic nature of the original interview (which often includes Winfrey utterances such as "Woo hoo!" and "You go, girl!" to Letterman's amusement). During the reading, Sheehan sports a cigarette consisting mostly of ash which rarely breaks off. On some occasions the absurd nature of the bit will cause the two to break character (more often just Sheehan). The segment starts with Farmer and Sheehan performing a brief re-enactment of Winfrey's opening sequence ("Run on with Oprah"). At the end of the routine, Kalter gives an address for where to write to obtain a transcript of Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts.

Pat Farmer's "Surprise, You're on TV!"

Presented as a supposed clip from Farmer's own reality prank show, Farmer is seen standing next to an unsuspecting male victim in an ordinary setting, such as an elevator. Farmer is then shown to be holding a baseball bat, which he uses to strike the man in the pelvic area. As the man doubles over in pain, Farmer will address him and point to the camera, saying "Surprise, you’re on TV!" Ostensibly this is a blunt satire of reality shows which utilize lowbrow physical humor, such as Jackass, as well as slapstick shows such as America's Funniest Home Videos.

"...Quiz" (such as the "Auto Show Quiz", "Boat Show Quiz", and "Toy Show Quiz")

Letterman presents video clips of people at a current event, on which is superimposed a multiple choice question, with the last choice being the punchline.

"Rejected FDA Products"

A desk segment where Letterman displays samples of bad food concepts, such as "NyQuil Dessert Topping", and eats some of them. Likely inspired by the Topps card series Wacky Packages, which utilizes a similar emphasis on food.

"Sorry, Tom"

Letterman will explain that while not a scheduled guest, actor Tom Hanks is waiting backstage to make a surprise appearance. Hanks is then shown in the green room, smiling and waving to the delight of the audience. Letterman then informs Hanks that the show doesn’t have enough time for him, causing Hanks to yell at an individual off-screen (ostensibly including obscenities). In reality, the footage of Hanks is a recycled clip from his visit on a much older episode, recorded specifically for later use in this bit. A notable use of this bit occurred during an interview with Hanks' own actor son, Colin. (Hanks also does many other comedy bits for the show whenever he's a guest, from making a glass-breaking noise, to a memorable "Audience Q & A" where he posed as a seat-filler for a member of the audience and was told "Wanna get outta my seat now, Fathead" by the angry woman.)

Susan Hum

As Letterman presents a comedy bit or converses with Shaffer, costume designer Hum will approach his desk carrying a food or drink item. Only after some time will Letterman acknowledge Hum, who will then inform him of the item she has with her. She then stands silently as Letterman attempts to proceed with the show. After noticing that she is still there, he will politely inform her that he is not interested in the item, provoking Hum to angrily insult Letterman (and sometimes throw the item to the floor) and walk off stage.

Ticket Scalper

Letterman will be setting up a bit when a man wearing a ski cap and jacket walks onto the set behind Dave and nervously and quietly gets Dave's attention and offers to sell him scalped tickets to a high-profile sporting event or concert that has already taken place. Dave points out that the man is obviously holding tickets to the past year's Super Bowl (which is when the bits began), and that the current event for which he's trying to sell tickets has already taken place. The man will then quickly change his story, announcing another event which grab's Dave's attention. Dave pulls out his wallet and approaches the man, when the nervous broker thinks he hears the police and both he and Dave quickly scatter. Dave then returns to his original bit.

Weekend Late Show

On Friday shows, Letterman sometimes throws to a promotion for a purported Saturday edition of the Late Show. The hosts, identified only as Bruce and Linda, discuss "upcoming" features, which might include interviews with B-list celebrities and cooking segments. The segment serves as a parody of the weekend editions of network morning news shows (e.g. Weekend Today and CBS This Morning Saturday); these editions normally have different hosts and an even greater focus on human interest stories than their weekday counterparts.