Consequential Strangers - From Strangers To Intimates: Relationship Development

From Strangers To Intimates: Relationship Development

Social scientists in the seventies observed that in order for a relationship to develop into increasing intimacy, the social partners need opportunities to get together, time with one another, and a certain degree of privacy (optimum group size for developing intimacy is small). More recent conceptualizations extend that premise, theorizing that a relationship is more than the sum of two people. Environmental, historical, and cultural factors also impinge on the course of a given relationship. Among factors cited are the partners’ other social ties, their respective positions in the life cycle, the era in which the two are embedded, and the place—home, community, country—where their liaison unfolds. Moreover, "getting together" nowadays often occurs in virtual, not real, space.

The "closest" peripheral ties involve mutual recognition and repeated interactions (in one another’s physical presence or online). A treasured accountant or a cherished priest might be among one’s closest consequential strangers. At the other extreme are relationships that are barely blips on the social radar, such as people with adjoining season seats for a game or same-time-next-year conventioneers.

Another factor that shapes a relationship is the level of investment and stability. People are committed to their intimates, less so to their consequential strangers. If one's tennis partner moves or the owner of a favorite deli retires, such individuals might be missed, but others will fill their roles. Also, weak ties often serve compartmentalized needs-–for a particular kind of assistance, a leisure activity, a work project—whereas intimates are more likely to serve multiple functions.

Self-disclosure—both breadth (the variety of subjects discussed) and depth (the degree of intimate sharing)--is the engine that drives all relationships. As a general rule of thumb, the closer the relationship, the more time spent together, the more likely that social partners will self-disclose. However, in all relationships, social partners strike a balance between a need to connect and a need for one’s own space. At different times of day, at different times of life, and at different points in history, people are more or less open to disclosing information about themselves. Even within a long-term relationship, partners do not always share with one another on a deep level. Thus, although lovers and best friends may be the likely recipients of confidences, they are rarely the only ones. Individuals also confide in their consequential strangers, particularly those near the intimate end of the continuum. Studies have shown, for example, that this happens frequently with certain professionals-–among them, hairdressers and divorce lawyers. Likewise, gym buddies and frequent patrons at diners often share confidences with one another. In part it's the regularity of contact, in part the place itself. Under certain conditions, Zick Rubin found that people even share with complete strangers, a paradox known as the "stranger on a train" phenomenon.