Cherokee Hair Tampons - Plot Synopsis

Plot Synopsis

The episode begins with a substitute teacher coming in to teach the 3rd grade class. The boys mess around with the teacher at roll call, with Stan pretending that he is Cartman, Kenny pretending he is Stan, and Cartman pretending he is Kenny. Cartman laughs so hard that milk squirts out of his nose. The gag continues as milk shoots out of his nose every time he laughs, even when not drinking. The teacher gives them all an assignment to make a get-well-soon card for Kyle, and Butters literally ends up being the card. Stan visits his sick friend, who is, according to his mother, suffering from kidney failure due to diabetes. Since they are unable to find a donor and Sheila is worried about the risks of having Kyle undergo surgery, Sharon suggests to Sheila that she try New Age healing to cure Kyle. They visit the holistic medicine store of a newly arrived shopkeeper named Miss Information (misinformation), who tells them that mysterious "toxins" are the cause of Kyle's ailments and prescribes a series of herbs to help him; they do not help, but she convinces the people of South Park that they are healing him even though it is not visible. The whole town becomes enamored with her remedies and buys such nostrums as "Cherokee hair tampons" from two supposed Native Americans (played by Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong) who share her store. Before long, everyone is so hooked on "holistic medicine" that Miss Information can get away with selling coat hangers as "dream catchers" for very high prices.

Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison is fired for his incompetence as a third grade teacher and for charges of soliciting sex from a minor. He decides to fulfill his dream of publishing a book and begins to write a romance novel, in which he manages to use the word "penis" 6,083 times.

Stan goes to ask Dr. Doctor for help, and the doctor says that Kyle will die unless he gets a kidney transplant from the only other person in town with a compatible blood type, Cartman. Stan tries to convince everyone that the New Age so-called "healing" is not working and that only a kidney transplant can cure Kyle, but Miss Information insists that the doctor is only interested in making money from the procedure, even as she herself charges exorbitant prices for her holistic healing items. Stan tries to convince Cartman to donate his organ, and Cartman agrees to do it in exchange for $10 million. Stan tries to get people to help him take Cartman's kidney by force. However, only Butters and Timmy show up. When Stan expresses disappointment, Butters mentions Clyde would have come too, had there not been tacos for dinner. An attempt to sneak into Cartman's house and cut his kidney out while he sleeps proves fruitless, as he wears a "Kidney Blocker 2000". Resigned, Stan laments to Kenny over Kyle's imminent death at the hands of holistic medicine. Kenny, furious at Stan for apparently disregarding Kenny's numerous deaths, says what sounds like Cartman's signature phrase "screw you guy's, I'm going home". This is also reinforced by the fact that Kenny points off screen to the right, just like Cartman. Kenny then walks off, only to be crushed by a falling piano; Stan doesn't notice. Mrs. Broflovski brings a very weak and gravely ill Kyle in for a "spiritual healing" by Miss Information's "Native Americans." To the shock of the citizens, the "Native Americans" take one look at Kyle and declare that he is in need of a doctor. They then admit that they and Miss Information are frauds and that they are really Mexican. They explain to the townsfolk that Miss Information had convinced everyone that the three of them were Native Americans but that they had simply neglected to set the record straight. Angered, the townsfolk attack and beat Miss Information, and Stan declares that he has a plan to get Kyle a kidney.

Cartman awakens the next day to find the Kidney Blocker 2000 destroyed and red liquid all over his bed. He marches to Stan's house and recovers his kidney, then goes to the doctor and arranges to have it put back in, but not before signing a release form. However, it was all a ruse—part of Stan's plan. Cartman's mom had opened the Blocker and spread ketchup on his bed to fool him. The form he signed actually allowed Kyle to take his kidney; the kidney that Stan had given him was fake. Cartman is angered, Kyle is better, and Mr. Garrison, now a best-selling author, comes to give him a signed copy of his book, In the Valley of Penises. Cartman is still angry and, as Kyle and Stan laugh at him, milk comes out of Kyle's nose. Cartman expresses relief that Kyle got his "crappy kidney".