'Allo 'Allo! (series 1) - The Funeral

The Funeral

• Original airdate: 12 October 1984
• Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
• Directed by: David Croft
• Produced by: David Croft
• Episode length: 35 minutes

The captain and the colonel are having lunch at the café and asks René to give them some private moments with his waitresses. René asks them if lieutenant Gruber, who was in charge of the firing squad and who knows René, will not find it strange to find him alive, now that he is officially dead. The Germans answer, that they have told Gruber, that the café is now being run by René's twin brother, René from Nancy. Helga arrives to tell them she has told Herr Flick the same thing.

When Edith brings her mother food, it turns out Fanny is convinced René is actually dead. She asks if Edith has found his will and also tells her to remarry - suggesting she marries monsieur Maurice, the hotel owner. Edith tries in vain to make her understand that René is not dead, but she manages to make her understand that the airmen are no longer hiding in her wardrobe - they are now in the hen house.

Lieutenant Gruber arrives at the café and pays his respects to René, whom he thinks is his twin brother. As they chitchat in order to get acquainted, Edith comes down and tells René they have to "feed the chickens" (that is, give food to the airmen) and addresses him as "René". Gruber wonders about this and René tells him that he and his brother were both called René - René 1 and René 2.

Herr Flick arrives at the German officers' headquarters and Helga addresses him very intimately, by first name. As he is there on official business, he tells her to refer to him as "Herr Flick" and complains that she is wearing perfume - German soldiers should not wear perfume on duty. He is satisfied with her looks and lets her kiss him - without showing any feelings. Then, he enters the room where the Germans are and orders them to attend René's funeral in order to get the names and addresses of those who are present. He will observe it from a distance.

The two airmen are sitting in the hen house and feel rather hungry, when Michelle brings them some food.

When René, Edith and Yvette go upstairs to contact London, Fanny is shocked and disappointed to find out René is still alive. As they contact London, they are informed that the merchandise they have sent for - the two German uniforms and the copy of the painting - will be dropped by plane at midnight. When they are done, Maria comes up and informs them there is an undertaker downstairs, who has come to measure René for his coffin. Therefore, he, Edith and Yvette go downstairs

The undertaker's name turns out to be monsieur Alfonse. When he asks them where the body is, they give different answers, since they have not thought of a common story to tell. Monsieur Alfonse asks what material the coffin should be made of - oak, ash, elm or pine - and as Edith chooses oak (which is the most expensive), he suggests bronze handles for the coffin. They also discuss a plate with a few words on the coffin lid, which makes it even more expensive - many thousand francs. René does not want these expenses, but Edith says she will pay, since René has left everything to her in his will. Then comes the moment when monsieur Alfonse is to measure the body. René says he can measure him, since they are both the same height and build, but monsieur Alfonse refuses - every undertaker in France would laugh at him if it came out he had measured somebody else than the corpse. Therefore, René comes up with a plan to pose as his dead twin brother. While Yvette gives monsieur Alfonse a glass of cognac, René runs into the kitchen, makes his face white by putting flour on it and then enters the backroom through the window. There, removes everything from the made table - making a terrible noise, which monsieur Alfonse wonders about (Edith tells him it is the unruly spirit of her late husband) - and then lies down on the table, putting the table cloth over himself. The three go into the room and monsieur Alfonse measures "the body", noticing and wondering why he has flour on his face. Yvette explains he was baking when he was arrested. Monsieur Alfonse explains that he will also need René's brothers signature, so after they have left the backroom, René has to go around the back again, into the kitchen, wash off the flour and come back out into the café. When he has signed and monsieur Alfonse is about to leave, he remembers he has left his tape measure in the backroom. In order not to let him in there, the three others all offer to get it for him.

Later in the evening, when they have received the coffin, René and Edith are filling it with bottles and other things to make it heave, to make everybody believe there is a body inside it. Suddenly, Michelle and her resistance girls arrive and inform them, that they did not receive the uniforms and the painting in the air drop. Instead they were given anti tank mines, which they have to hide somewhere as the Germans are after them. With no time to lose, Michelle and her gang disappear through the backroom and René and Edith hide the mines in the coffin. The Germans come looking for the resistance but René and Edith manage to make them go through the backroom and leave. Soon after, Kurt and Hans arrive and René is surprised to hear they are coming to the funeral. They inform him that Herr Flick will be watching from a distance and ask him to make sure no members of the resistance are there. Then, Yvette and Maria show up dressed in long white gowns - they will be the choir. Monsieur LeClerc comes in dressed as a priest. At first, René disapproves of this, but when he learns he wants 500 francs - compared to a real priest who wants 3,000 - he likes the idea. As Gruber has also arrived, they all pay their respects to the deceased.

The next day, the funeral party walk to church. Herr Flick and Helga watch from a distance. When they have arrived it turns out nobody has the key for the church gate (the priest is supposed to have it, but since monsieur LeClerc is not a real priest, he does not have it). As they talk about what to do next, the cart with the coffin starts rolling away down the road and everybody starts chasing after it. They do not catch up with it, but finally, it stops, the coffin falls off and explodes, throwing dirt all over the place, even on Herr Flick and Helga.

• Note: This episode features the first appearance of Kenneth Connor as Alfonse.