'Allo 'Allo! (series 1) - Pilot - The British Are Coming

The British Are Coming

• Original airdate: 30 December 1982
• Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
• Directed by: David Croft
• Produced by: David Croft
• Episode length: 35 minutes

The two German officers, colonel Kurt Von Strohm and captain Hans Geering, are having lunch at the café René. After their lunch, the colonel breaks the wishbone of the chicken they've just been having with the patron, René Artois. René wins and explains his wish was for the war to end soon - with the Germans' winning of course, he assures the colonel. When the two Germans then ask for the services of one of his two waitresses, Yvette Carte-Blanche, he bargains for some supplies in exchange for this. Yvette comes up to him and informs him that there is a woman in the back room. When René, his wife Edith Artois and the two waitresses proceed inside, they meet Michelle Dubois, leader of the French resistance, who tells him at gun point about the Resistance and that until recently she has been hiding two British flying officers, shot down in the vicinity, in a safe house - a café just like René's, with a patron just like him. She follows with a sad story of what happened to the patron and his wife when they were discovered by the Germans (they were taken into the town square and shot, singing La Marseillaise). René is therefore frightened when she tells him that his is to be the next safe house. She also informs him that he will be harboring a counterfeiter who will forge the airmen's papers. He is to arrive the day after and when René points out that he will need papers, Michelle replies: "He is a forger, he will make his own papers".

We cut to a scene of members of the resistance literally breaking an elderly man out of jail (by blowing away a part the wall of the prison and towing the wall segment and the man's bed away). This man turns out to be Roger LeClerc, although we do not learn this until later. Back in the café, Edith informs René of the code words that LeClerc will use to reveal himself to René (LeClerc will have a cigar in his mouth and ask him for a light, after which René is supposed to say "I have no matches"). Unfortunately, a German lieutenant (who later turns out to be Hubert Gruber) shows up with a cigar. René assumes he is the forger and says "I suppose you would like a light". The officer replies that he would, but when René says he doesn't have one, the officer is puzzled as to why René asked him if he doesn't have a light. He then picks up his own matchbook, lights his cigar and gives a spare pack to René, who then asks him straight out: "Are you one of them?" and Gruber replies "Well, it was very lonely on the Russian front." When LeClerc finally turns up and is about to ask for a light, Gruber lights his cigar before he gets a chance to perform the secret code words. In order to go through with it, he still asks René for a light and when Gruber asks him why - he just gave him one - he says "I don't want the light, I was just wondering if he had the light". According to plan, René answers that he has no matches and Gruber thinks this unfair - he just gave him his spare pack. In desperation, René replies "Well, these are your matches, not mine". To clear up the confusion LeClerc asks René if Gruber is "one of us", to which René, harassed, replies "No, he is one of them!" Gruber misinterprets this (thinking that René is talking about Gruber's earlier comment regarding the Russian front) and says "For God's sake, don't tell everyone!" Eventually, everything is straightened out and LeClerc can go down the cellar to start forging papers.

Later in the evening, René and Yvette are having a tête-à-tête in the back room of the café, when the British airmen (Carstairs and Fairfax) arrive by the window, dressed as onion sellers - two days early. They don't understand a word René and Yvette are saying and they don't understand a word the airmen are saying. This leads to a few misunderstandings before the airmen are allowed inside. René points at his watch to indicate that they are early and they think it means he wants their watches as payment to let them in. When one of the airmen points at his mouth - indicating that he is hungry - René thinks he has a toothache and gives him some pliers for this. As they then try to tell the airmen they have to hide, Yvette illustrates this by going behind the curtains by the window. The airmen think this means she wants one of them to go behind the curtain with her, but it soon turns it that was not what she meant. Luckily, Michelle of the Resistance arrives and as she speaks both French and English, she functions as a communication link between the airmen and the French. The airmen are sent down into the cellar, whereas the others go up to the second floor, contacting London on the radio, which has been installed under the floor in the bedroom of Edith's mother, Fanny La Fan. Their secret contact in London, which refer to them as "Nighthawk", informs them that two British flying officers will arrive this evening. René and his wife misunderstand this and think it means that two more airmen will arrive and that they have to get rid of the two they are already hiding.

Colonel Von Strohm and captain Geering are enjoying a quiet day, with the colonel explaining to the captain about the theft of the silver, the world's oldest cuckoo clock and the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" by the artist Van Clomp. Herr Otto Flick of the Gestapo arrives at their headquarters, and the two officers quickly hide the valuables. Herr Flick announces that he has come to find the stolen painting, and the officers panic. They hide the treasures in René's cellar, only to find the British airmen there. They decide to turn both them and René in. However, Herr Flick arrives upstairs and, in order for him not to find the painting, they quickly change their mind and instead cover for him. Once Herr Flick is gone, the Colonel dictates that since he has now got a catch on René (the two airmen hiding in his cellar and the painting and the clock also hidden in the cellar) from now on, he gives the orders when it comes to the waitresses and their services.

• Note: In this episode, the painting is referred to as The Reclining Madonna with the Big Boobies. In all later episodes, it is called The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.